Taking Life Seriously

-3-

Dylan's face popped up over the young adult books section. It said: 'how's the balls?' the face was eating a Mars bar that Dylan had dipped in his coffee for what he liked to call 'that extra caffeinee flavor'.

Dylan was wearing a white button up shirt with a stripped green and white tie. He had a name tag that said: 'Hi, my name is _Inigo Montoya_'

Gordon was wearing the same Savemore uniform, but his name tag said Hi, My name is _Gordon_'. Gordon was packing a bookshelf with the new installment of the Twilight series. 'Can you believe people read this shit?' he said without stopping.

'I can't believe Morpheus kneed you like that after you killed him. And that was a classic move too. Two handed slam, you lobed his head right off. Classic.'

'I mean it's about a vegetarian vampire, terrible.'

Dylan walked over to Gordon and sat down in one of the small plastic chairs meant for children readers. 'Hmmm, so what's wrong?' he asked.

'you're three hours late for work.'

'I accidentally smashed my alarm clock into the side of the bed while throwing my cell phone into the toilet.'

'And Denise left me.'

Dylan put his cup of coffee on the reading table, dipped his Mars bar into his coffee and said: 'Hmmm, so what's wrong?'

'Damn it, man, can you for maybe two seconds pretend to be something that sort of resembles a thing that is at least human-like and show me some compassion?'

'you're right, those Twilight books are total crap, absolutely.' Dylan said with a mouth half full of chocolate.

Gordon squeezed into the other tiny plastic chair.

'how the hell do you fit your ass into these things? they're tiny.'

'it's all thanks to a steady diet of coffee, Mars bars, and insane amounts of beer.'

'I come home after the game last night and she wanted to have sex, except I couldn't because of Morphues kicking me in the nethers. So she got angry. She said I'm a deluded idiot who is wasting his life LARPing.'

'So tell her it's a perfectly normal expression of appreciation of fantasy within the content of pop culture.'

'I did. She said I wasn't taking life seriously.'

'that bitch.'

'she called me a Gandalf wannabe.'

'Oh no, she didn't!'

'she said I keep turning down great jobs just so I can stay in stupid Savemore with my stupid friends and I keep living that stupid Tarantino fantasy where me and you are going to make that stupid zombie film and I'm completely stupid.'

'that bitch.'

'I loved her man, I thought she was the one.'

'forget her, she was holding you back.'

'Amazing, that's what she said about you.'

'that bitch!'

'stop saying that. We're never going to make that film are we?'

'what are you talking about man? I have it all figured out, I dreamed the whole thing last night. Listen to this: our hero is your average under achiever right? He has a shitty job, a terrible room mate, a best friend who is kind of a screw up, a weird relationship with his step father, and a girlfriend who is always upset at him for living the same routine day in day out.'

'Right, what then?'

'then she breaks up with him. Also because she has these two idiot friends influencing her all the time, And he gets horribly drunk with his best friend, fights with his room mate, and decides to sort out his life for good and get her back.'

'Ok, I'm seeing it. what's next.'

'well, during this whole time, a series of unusual events happen randomly in the background. People get sick, they faint in the middle of the street. Our hero even thinks he sees one man eating a live pigeon in the park.'

'Dylan.'

'so in the morning, without even noticing, get this, the zombie apocalypse happens.'

'Dylan'

'our hero discovers this by accident. He discovers a girl in his yard that he thinks is totally drunk and him and his friend end up trying to kill her with LP's.'

'Dylan!'

'What?'

'That's Shaun of the Dead!'

'What?'

'Did you get drunk last night?'

'Maybe a bit tipsy.'

'and did you watch tv?'

'I might have, I can't remember exactly.'

'I don't believe you.' Gordon stood up and walked away.

Dylan jumped up with the tiny chair still stuck to his backside, 'wait where are you going? Wait!' he pushed the chair off his ass and started to run after Gordon. He caught up with Gordon halfway down the dry goods aisle and said: 'I hope you're not about to do something rash.'

'I'm about to call the woman I love, tell her I'll take the job at her father's office even though I know it will mean an existence of constant and unbearable humiliation, then I'm going to tell the guys I quit The Pack and then I'm going to go get horribly drunk.'

'why are you doing this, man?'

Gordon stopped walking and turned to Dylan. 'Because we're 32 years old, Dylan.'

'Well, what the hell has that got to do with anything?'

'It has everything to do with everything. Because I am not really Halsolt of the Weir and you are not really Augustus Minion and what we are are two sad losers who work at a Savemore and dream about making a movie and it's almost as pathetic as the idea of a vegetarian vampire.'

Dylan grabbed Gordon's shoulders, hard and started to shake him. 'Snap out of it, man. That woman has bewitched you, this is crazy talk.'

'Stop that, stop it!' Gordon flung Dylan off him. 'this was fun in university, but we're too old for this shit now!'

Dylan looked as if he had been sucker punched. 'No, you can't mean that. This whole thing, everything, was your idea. Everything. I dropped out of school and we already wrote six screenplays and it's just a matter of time till we sell one. And too old? martin is 45 now, and Rajesh, and Anita and Dean, they all look up to you. You can't mean any of this. You can't.'

'I'm sorry,' said Gordon, and walked away.

'you selfish bastard!' screamed Dylan.

Gordon turned around, gave Dylan the finger and kept walking away.

Dylan stood at the dry goods section, half a Mars bar still clutched in one hand and melting onto the neon white floor. He threw the Mars bar across the room. It stuck to the back of Gordon's shirt, but Gordon either didn't notice or didn't care. He turned the corner and disappeared into the sporting goods section.

Because he could think of nothing else to do, Dylan kicked the shelf nearest to him. He screamed in pain as he smashed his big toe into a tin of baked beans. He grabbed his foot and started skipping in place. It was then that he noticed the mother hugging her terrified child to her lap. The boy was crying.

Dylan said: 'thank you for shopping at Savemore.'