Taking Life Seriously

-11-

Dylan was peeking over the banister, 'I see two.' he said.

The atrium was clear of running people now. The things were standing at the entrance to the Food Court about a hundred meters ahead of them. They were facing opposite directions and shooting randomly into shops. The floor was littered with bodies. Terrified shoppers were ducked behind banisters and corridor corners all over the atrium.

Gordon risked peeking above the banister. 'Three,' he said.

'Ah yeah, but that one's got its back to us so it doesn't really count.'

One of the things turned in their direction.

'Get down!'

Dylan and Gordon ducked and sat with their backs to the banister.

'What are you thinking?' asked Dylan.

'They're just people aren't they?'

'Yeah, they just look like guys with make up on. And those suits look like tin foil, right?'

Gordon nodded and frowned.

'What is it?' asked Dylan.

'It's... Nothing. Never mind. You ready?'

'How do you want to play this?'

'You be the piggie.'

'Why do I have to be the piggie?'

'Because you have a better singing voice than I do.'

Dylan smiled, he grabbed Gordon's wrist: 'May the gods of war watch over me this day and revel in the blood I serve to their table.'

Gordon put his hand on Dylan's shoulder, 'May our enemies eye sockets fill with piss as we celebrate over their corpses.'

Dylan stood up and walked towards the entrance of the Food Court. 'Hey there,' he said. All three things turned to look at him. The two that were blocking the entrance to the Food Court looked at each other, then they looked at him and fired. Dylan ran.

Life has taught Dylan a great many things. Like, for example, never sleep with an eighteen year old who's older brother was a pro wrestler or, never play cards with a man who's middle name is 'The Saw', or, never go into church naked and start singing 'I Have a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts'. Unfortunately Dylan was a slow learner, and as result what he knew how to do best was to run, dive, duck and dodge. And run. And he could really run. If he set his mind to it the guy could probably be an Olympic contender, but Dylan would never have put that much effort into anything.

The two things said something in a language Gordon couldn't understand, then they ran after Dylan.

'That will do piggie,' said Gordon, 'that will do.'

There was only one left now, and he was standing way over at the end of the hall and facing the other way.

Gordon took his shoes off. He got up slowly, shoes in hand, keeping his eyes firmly on the thing at the end of the hall then he started to run. He ran for about seventy meters and then let his socks slide on the marble floor. It was a beautiful slide. A legendary slide. He slid for more than twenty meters and then came to a stop just short of the doorway.

Gordon looked at his socks with incomprehension. Then he looked to his left. The thing was staring at him, gun pointed at his side. Gordon ran. He entered the Food Court, took a sharp left and ducked behind Ahmed Falafel.

The Food Court's floor was covered in glass and Gordon's feet were bleeding. He looked to his right. A terrified looking man in an apron was lying down on the floor beside him, staring. Gordon put his finger to his lips. The man nodded.

Now he could hear the thing walking around the Food Court. The thing stopped. It sounded like it was sniffing the air, then it went to the Jake's Jambalaya counter. There was a scream, Gordon couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, and then what sounded like a laser blast. Then nothing. The man next to Gordon shut his eyes. Suddenly there was a sound of running and then Dylan's voice shouting: 'Over here big boy!' then there were more laser blasts and the sound of a chase. Then quiet.

'Good piggie,' he thought.

Gordon risked a peek. The Food Court was full of dead bodies but it was otherwise deserted. 'Anybody in here?' he whispered.

Nothing.

He sat back down and had a look at his feet. They didn't look too bad. He tried to get as much off the glass as he could off his bloody socks and put his shoes back on. Then he tried standing. He could feel a piece of glass in his left foot, but it would have to wait till later. Gordon walked out into the center of the room.

'Come on people, we have to get out of here. You'll all be safer at the Savemore. Where we have doors you can lock.'

The man from behind the Falafel stand crawled out and peeked from behind the food stand. Two more people stood up and looked at the carnage around the Food Court bewildered.

'Is that everyone?' Gordon asked.

Two more people stood up.
Gordon looked out the window of the Food Court at what looked like a thousand spaceships. he frowned.

'Okay people,' Gordon said, 'we're going to have to run for it.'

Taking Life Seriously

-10-

It happened so fast Gordon didn't even have a chance to get a proper look at them. First there were twelve blue streaks of light and then these things appeared. And they were shooting at anyone left standing.

'Run,' said Anita.

The Pack got up from under the table and still holding the clip boards in front of them started running.

'Where are we going?' said Martin.

'I don't know, I don't know, just run!' Anita shouted.

Gordon looked back and saw a middle aged man frozen with fear get hit in the chest by what looked like a blue laser ray. The man fell to the floor convulsing. Gordon thought he saw smoke coming out of the man's eyes and then they burst in a spray of already congealed blood. Gordon screamed.

The six ran out of the Food Court and into the main atrium of the shopping center. They ducked behind a banister.

'Where do we go? Where do we go?' Rajesh shrieked.

Now people all over the shopping center were screaming and running. It was blind panic. Gordon looked back. Two of those things were coming out of the Food Court now and shooting randomly into the mob of shoppers. Jesus Christ, it was like shooting canned lions.

'We need tactical advantage,' he said. 'Somewhere where we can hide and where we know where all the exits are.'

'The Savemore.' Dylan said panting.

'The Savemore?' are you crazy?' said Martin, 'it's like a death trap in there.'

'No, he's right,' said Gordon. 'We know that place inside and out. Run, you curs!'

The Pack ran. Suddenly Gordon stopped. 'Wait!' he shouted. The other five all stopped and turned back. 'We have to get these people to safety.'

'Are you insane, man?' said Rajesh.

'Break up, rescue formation 7. Just get as many of them as you can and meet in the employee lounge in twenty minutes.' said Gordon.

'Gordon, that's insane. That's real weapons out there from planet I don't know where and they kill people dead.' said Dean

'That's why we have to help them. Just tell them to go to the Savemore, we'll figure it out from there. I know you're scared. But just go!'

'No. it's crazy. I am not doing it and there is nothing you can say that will make me!' said Rajesh

Gordon inhaled. He put both hands on Rajesh shoulders and said: 'You are Sothoth The Black. Conceived on the black isles of Isanred, you killed your own flesh mother when you were only a babe in arms to get free of her demon's clasp. You have battled many fierce foes and each time you have emerged victorious. Will you now deny yourself the glory? Now, when the time of the omen is upon us?'

Rajesh said: 'except for that.'

Anita grabbed Dean's hand and ran towards The Hub. Rajesh and Martin went the other way towards the All That Glitters accessory and fun stuff boutique. Gordon and Dylan looked at each other.

'Do you realise just how much pain you have caused me today?' said Dylan.

Gordon smiled. They turned around and ran directly back in the direction of the Food Court.

Taking Life Seriously

-9-

It was 12:49PM but the sky outside was almost black. A storm was coming, Anita thought, a big one, and she hadn't brought her rain coat. Those pancake shaped clouds, they seemed denser now, and blacker and more, well, pancakey than before. She better call her mom, she thought, tell her to bring in the dog. But there was this first. The future of Center Continent depended on her.

The Pack sat down at their usual table at the Visitors shopping center Food Court and the entire staff breathed a sigh of relief.

'Anyone want a cup of tea?' said Gordon.

'Gordon, you can not do this,' said Rajesh, 'you have made Dylan cry.'

'Hey!' said Dylan, 'it's allergies.'

'Coffee then?' said Gordon.

'Yes, fine,' said Rajesh, 'Dylan is allergic to breaking up with you.'

'Hey!' said Dylan again.

'Maybe a fruit juice?'

'Stop it you guys,' said Anita. 'Look, Gordon, you can't just walk out on your life like this.'

'I'm really sorry guys but it's already done. I quit the Savemore too.' said Gordon.

'No!' said Dean and Anita together.

'You quit the Savemore?' said Martin, 'are you kidding me? We're short staffed as it is. Rogers is going to make our lives hell now.'

'Don't worry about Rogers,' said Gordon, 'I already spoke to him. You're going to be just fine.'

'He's going to make me do stock counts now,' said Dean, 'I hate stock counts.'

'No, really, guys, it's not going to be a problem, trust me.'

'And charts, Jesus Christ man, charts!'

'No, Dean, I...'

'Those stupid looking ones too, in the shape of a pie.'

'We're never going to see you again,' said Dylan suddenly.

The outburst surprised Gordon. He looked at Dylan and said: 'Sure you will, sure. We'll see each other all the time, like at the pub and at Christmas and like that.'

'Like last year when you went to Denise's family for Christmas?' said Dylan.

'I... ' said Gordon,'Well, then on Boxing Day?'

'Like last year when Denise's dad made you clean their yard on Boxing Day?'

'What? I thought you went to the city with your parents,' said Dean.

'Thanks a lot for that Dylan, really, thanks very much.'

'You're welcome.' Dylan whispered. Gordon looked at him. 'At least we accept you just the way you are. We don't try to change you into something you're not all the time,' said Dylan.

'What are you talking about?' asked Gordon.

'Denise, Gordon. She's always giving you shit about us.'

'Mostly about you, actually.'

'The pathetic weasel man is right,' said Rajesh, 'your girlfriend is very judgmental. Just dump her and move on with your life.'

Gordon shook his head. 'Guys,' he said, 'I am moving on with my life. Isn't it time you all started taking life seriously?'

'Just hang on a minute...' said Martin. Dylan cut him off:

'I was taking my life seriously, you condescending bullock. You can do that and also have fun. I'm serious about that film, I am working on it. Don't you see? After you walk out that door today everything is going to change. Sure we'll meet at The Hub every 6 months or so but you'll be working a nine to five like a civilized adult with all the joy sucked out of you and you won't have anything to say to us anymore. You will become a life size replica of Denise's father and you are going to hate yourself for it but you're going to tell yourself it was worth it, because of she is worth it, but - and here's the worst part - you are going to change so much that eventually she is going to hate you too, and I don't want that to happen, Gordon. I don't want to lose you. And I'm not crying, it's just allergies.'

Gordon put his hand on Dylans back. 'Shit, Dyl, I didn't know you felt...'

And every window in the Visitors Shopping center exploded simultaneously with a deafening crash.

For Dylan it all happened in slow motion. He grabbed Gordon's hand off his back with a smooth cat like motion and pulled him down and under the table. The rest of The Pack dove down instinctively too, they were trained combatants after all, and formed a circle using their clip boards as shields. Glass shattered into a billion razors and cut into the lunchtime crowd. Women covered their children. Husbands covered their wives, or they didn't, depending on how long they've been married for. The floor ran red with blood and spilled ketchup, and that red curry they make at Jake's Jambalaya and which gives you gas for like a week after you eat it.

Have you ever seen glass explode? No, not shatter, everyone has seen glass shatter it just breaks apart into uneven pieces along the route of least resistance, but when it explodes, well, Dylan has never seen anything like it before. He thought must look like a new solar system being formed.

It was like the glass inhaled and then exhaled so fast that it was ripped apart into perfect deadly diamonds that flew straight out of the window as if pushed by a convex shape, like say, the end of a boot. It was like a billion tiny bullets made of ice or a hundred million shards of crystalline sugar shot out of a Gatling gun. It was the perfect weapon, and when it was over, the carnage was near total. The glass perforated every surface not protected by brick. It cut through plastic like butter and through human flesh like something softer than butter which does not taste as good. Twenty seven people died in less than three seconds. Their bodies looked like they had been pounded with meat tenderizers.

'Holy shit!' Dean said.

And then, things got worse.

Taking Life Seriously

-8-

But earlier that morning Gordon James walked down the sporting goods aisle, stormed out of the Savemore's doors and bumped into Dennis Rogers, hard, which was unfortunate considering the fact that Rogers had just purchased a Strawberry milkshake from The Hub for 12.85 and now the remaining 10.73 in undrank shake was splashed all over his tshirt. What was even worse was that it was one of those truly horrible tshirts that are made to look like cardigans.

'What the hell do you think you're doing, Gordon?' Rogers screamed and wiped a piece of strawberry from his face. (The Hub used real fruit in their milkshakes, which is why the milkshakes were both outrageously expensive and quite delicious)

'Quitting.' said Gordon.

'What? You can't quit! it's nearly Christmas and I'm short staffed by six. And look what you've done here. Bring a bucket and clean up this mess at once!' Rogers stamped his foot on the ground when he said it.

'Blow me, Rogers.' said Gordon. 'I'm gone.'

Rogers' mouth dropped open. 'what did you just say?'

'I said blow me. This is an acceptable shorter version of 'give me a blowjob' or 'suck my dick' if you are unfamiliar with the terminology. That is to say, the only way this conversation continues is if I put my penis in your mouth and you felate it. Bye.'

Gordon started walking off but Rogers grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. 'now, listen here you little waste of space. Get a mop and clean up this mess or I'll..'

'You'll what, Rogers? Dock my pay for an extra cup of coffee? Break into my locker and leave me warning notes? Cancel my lunch breaks for a week? Tell everyone at work that I'm a satanist? You've already done all that so leave me the fuck alone.'

'I'll fire Dylan.' Rogers said.

Gordon said, 'I don't care.'

'Then I'll have him arrested.'

'You can't do that. What for?'

'Smoking drugs, stealing from the work place, it doesn't matter.'

Gordon opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. Rogers let go of his shirt.

'Now,' said Rogers, 'clean up this mess.'

'what is your problem, Rogers? Why are you such a major prick?'

'You're my problem,Gordon, you and your friends. But no matter what you do, no matter how you try to outsmart me, I'll always have one up on you. You see, I know everything that goes on in this store, everything. You guys think you're so smart, stealing coffees, slacking off, smoking joints at the loading bay. Oh yes, I went to university, I know what it smells like. I am short staffed and I need you today, so you do your job until I find you a replacement or you'll see exactly what a major prick I can be.'

Gordon nodded, he said: 'hey Rogers, what's that on your hand?'

rogers looked at his hand. It was covered in melted mars bar, the one that was stuck to the back of Gordon's shirt. 'egh, revolting,' he said. Then Gordon head butted him.

'Arghh, my nose, I think you broke my nose.'

Gordon grabbed Roger's collar, he pulled Roger's face towards him, looked directly into Rogers eyes and said: 'listen to me. We are done here. I have worked here for 12 years and I know everything about this store too. I know you take a percent off the top of every night's cash up and mark it up as insurable loss. I know the real reason that Simone girl left and that she was only 16. and I know exactly where the electrical equipment that went missing last month is. You do anything, and I mean anything, even mention the coffees again to any of them, and I will end you. Do you understand?'

'My nose...'

'Sorry about that actually, I didn't mean to hit you so hard. But anyway I can see it's not broken or anything, so, are we done here?'

'Yes.'

'Good.' Gordon let him go. 'sorry about the whole blow me thing, I'm sort of having a bad day.'

'Yes.'

Gordon put his hand out for a handshake, then he saw Roger's hands, one was holding a Hub milkshake cup, still wet, the other was covered in chocolate. He put his hand down and said:

'Well, bye then'

'Bye.' Rogers said.

Gordon walked away. Rogers watched him, and as he did, his hand closed around the cardboard cup and crushed it. A last sip of strawberry milkshake splashed out with a strange ploop noise. 'This isn't over.' he said.

And this is a maxim that everybody should know: never ever ever trust anyone that wears a shirt that looks like a cardigan.

Taking Life Seriously

-7-

Cut. Fade to black.

There are things we always remember.

Smells: The smell of fresh cut grass from that hill we used to play on when we were kids. The smell of stuffed pigeons baking in grandfather's kitchen on a Saturday afternoon after he shot and skinned them in the back yard that morning. The scent of your first dog. The way your grandmother smelled that final week in the hospital.

Touch: the way he touched you, just ran his finger on your collarbone and said, 'beautiful'. The way she hugged you and cried and she was squeezing so hard you thought your ribs would break.

Sounds: that first song you ever heard that made you feel like all the energy, all the anger, the frustration inside of you exploding, and burning and burning and burning. That thump that rabbit made when you accidentally dropped it into the shallow grave you dug after the dog killed it. The ringing in your ears that day the concussion grenade went off to your right, that day they shot and killed your friend.

Sights: when you turned that corner and saw the valley from the top of the mountain, and the lake was so black and the flowers were so yellow, and then you realized you were crying and you didn't know why. The way that whale shark came swimming by right underneath you, so close you thought you could touch it, and the sunset made it look purple.

Taste: mustard and polony, and now you can't remember that spicy meaty flavor without thinking about sex.

Disaster.

Rewind:

At 6:45AM Denise is dressed and packing a suitcase. Gordon is sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxer shorts and holding his head between his hands.

'Look don't do this,' he says, 'I get back from work, we can talk about it like two civilized human beings...'

'There's nothing to talk about anymore' she packs with her back to him, 'I can't believe you're doing this, you're fucking 32 years old and you're still acting like you're 12 and I've heard all of this before. Why don't you just go play Gandalf with your loser friends.'

He looks up, 'It's Halsolt of the Weir, and they're not losers, and it's a perfectly normal expression of appreciation of fantasy within the content of pop culture. And what the hell does any of that have to do with this?'

She holds up a yellow shirt with white flowers and waves it in his face, she shrieks: 'it has everything to do with it. You keep turning down these great jobs just so you can stay in that stupid shop with your stupid friends and that loser Dylan, and you keep living that stupid Tarantino fantasy where you and that loser Dylan are going to write that stupid zombie movie and you're completely deluded.'

'working at your father's firm is not a great job, it's a prison sentence.'

'ooohh so now being around my family is a prison sentence.'

'no, that's not what I said.'

'that's exactly what you said. And what does that make me? A warden?'

he tries to get close, to hold her, she pushes him away.

'Fuck off, Gordon. All I've ever tried to do was help you. And what have I got to show for it? A fucking boyfriend that works at a Savemore and thinks he's a wizard from middle earth.'

'I don't think I'm a wizard. and it's center continent, look, can't we at least have a cup of tea.'

'Why can't you take life seriously?' she slams the door behind her when she leaves.

7:00: the alarm goes off. It's one of those irritating novelty chicken alarms and it's driving Dylan crazy. He reaches his hand out from under the blanket and grabs the thing. then he smashes it full force into the side of the bed. The alarm stops. Then the cellphone alarm goes off. Dylan screams and hurls it into the toilet. Silence. He pulls the blanket over his head.

At 7:05 Martin is standing in the kitchen frying three eggs, over easy, like Betsy likes them.

'You want some ketchup babe?' he yells to the bedroom.

'It's ok babe, i'll get it meself.'

'Okay.'

he takes out the eggs and puts them in plates. One for Betsy, two for him. He butters two slices of toast for himself and one for Betsy. He puts ketchup on his eggs. He pours himself a cup of coffee. He sits down at the table and reads the paper while he eats. 'Unusual Weather Patterns Expected.' Well, the sky is unusually dark for November.

Betsy comes in and gives him a peck on the cheek. Her hair is wrapped up in a towel. Still looks beautiful though, he thinks. He smiles at her.

7:20 Water runs, Anita screams: 'Get out of here you big goof. We'll be late.' she's laughing.

'Come on, sweetie, we have enough time for a quick one, we're fine for time,' Dean says.

'I've got shampoo in my hair and you're wetting the whole bathroom.'

He's naked, so is she. Most of the shower water is now on the floor.

'come on sweetie, we have 5 minutes, let me in.'

'Only if you mop the bathroom floor while I get dressed.'

'My pleasure, Ma'am'.

She lets him in the shower. It takes less than 3 minutes and 24 seconds. She ends up moping the bathroom floor.

At 7:30: Rajesh examines his perfect teeth in the mirror while he flosses. His teeth are perfect. Perfect. He looks at his them like a french artist looks at his paintings the morning after a heavy drinking session, not sure exactly how any of it happened, but knowing unerringly that it is right. Rajesh looks for any flaws or unsightly stains and finds none, satisfied he turns to examine his fingernails thoroughly, then he takes out a small pocket nail file and files out what could have led to the beginning of a very nasty hairline crack indeed. Then the grooming of the goatie. It must be neat and tidy at all times so as not to appear like a common thug, or God forbid, Tom Seleck. It must be perfect. He takes out a small jar of mustache wax and combs it in. There, he smiles at his perfect self .There.

At 7:39 AM every migratory bird in the immediate area heads South inexplicably.

At 7:59 Gordon, Martin, Dean, Anita and Rajesh arrive at the Visitors shopping center Savemore (the store that saves you more). Dennis Rogers, the floor manager, opens the store doors for them and 27 other employees. Gordon punches in for Dylan.

At 8:04 Evey Hunt, the woman who owns Puppy Heaven pet store arrives at work. As soon as she opens the store's door, several animals that have managed to escape their cages claw frantically at her face in an attempt to get out and she is blinded in one eye. Seven dogs, three cats, two birds, a mongoose and two parrots escape. Let that be a lesson to all you animal exploiters out there.

At 8:27 Martin arranges soup cans in aisle 18. Gordon mops the deli floor. Anita takes stock on aisle 12. Dean offloads a truck in the packing bay. Rajesh prepares a cup of coffee in the canteen. Rogers notes that Rajesh has had one cup of coffee so far today. Dylan snores and talks in his sleep. he says: 'removing the head or destroying the brain'. The woman that owns the pet store is discovered unconscious by a shopping center security guard.

10:12 Strange pancake shaped clouds appear in the sky. They may also look omlette shaped.

11:03 Dylan walks into the Vistiros shopping center. He goes up to the cash teller and sticks the letter B before the ATM sign and the letters AN after it, then he walks into the Savemore

11:32 Dylan is dumped by his best friend. So gay.

12:01 Gordon gets a haircut.

It is now 12:49. In eleven minutes and forty two seconds something terrible is going to happen.

Taking Life Seriously

-6-

The food court was unusually quiet for that time of day. The five crouched behind the Pot-o-Noodles stall and watched Gordon eating his lunch. He was reading a newspaper. He wasn't sitting at their usual table.

So that was why. Everyone knew which was The Pack's table. It was the only six seat table next to the window in the food court and if anyone even looked as if they were going to attempt to approach it between one and one thirty in the afternoon the entire food court staff stepped in to intervene. 'I don't care who you have to beat up, just don't let Gordon get started', was the motto taught to anyone hired at the food court. This was a result of that time when that one tourist and his family sat down to eat on that fateful day in 2005 and refused to leave even after Gordon asked nicely, and even though they were only five people. The result was... messy, sticky even. Veteran food court employees remember that day as the 27 hour shift. The Pack had sat at that table every day since 2004. but now Gordon was sitting at a two seat table, next to the wall. The food court employees working talked in whispers, prayed for the shift to be over.

'He shaved!' said Rajesh.

'No he bloody didn't,' said Dylan, 'let me see.' he pushed Rajesh down and peered over his head to look. He gasped. Dylan collapsed on the floor. He said: 'I don't want to live on this planet any more.'

'come on,' said Anita, 'it's not that bad. Let's go talk to him.' she picked Dylan up and dragged him towards Gordon's table. The others followed behind them.

They arrived at the table. Gordon was reading the paper. Anita nudged Dylan and he looked at her. She was pointing at Gordon's head and gesturing. Dylan said: 'nice haircut.'

Gordon looked up and smiled 'thanks.'

'you're welcome.'

Gordon stood up. Dylan jumped backwards, 'what are you doing?'

'well, we can't all talk here, we better go to our table. Do you want anything to eat?'

Dylan sniffed in the air and said: 'I'd like one of those pancake thingies please, with cream.'

Taking Life Seriously

-5-

Evey Hunt, the woman who owns Puppy Heaven pet store arrived at work late that morning because of an argument with her husband. The argument was about Ben, her son, the pot smoking one, and her stupid husband had the gall to point out that they used to smoke when they were in university too. As if that made it ok. What a moron. As soon as she opened the store's door, several animals that have managed to escape their cages during the night jumped on her and clawed frantically at her body in an attempt to get out of the shop. One of the bigger dogs head butted her and Evey was knocked unconscious. Seven dogs, three cats, two birds, a mongoose and two parrots escaped.

Taking Life Seriously

-4-

Dean, the Great Gewain, Peabody was sitting on the Savemore loading bay steps and looking up at the sky. The sky was unusually dark for November. Anita handed him the joint.

'I mean, it's weird right? They kinda look like pancakes.' said Dean.

'Yes, they do a bit,' said Anita. 'Hey, are they still making those pancakes in the food court? Maybe we should go get some.'

'I'm serious, I have a bad feeling about this.' said Martin.

Dean passed Rajesh the joint.

'Oh come on, Martin, they're only clouds,' said Anita.

'I've never in all my life seen clouds like that.' said Martin.

'I saw something like this once,' said Rajesh.

'Rubbish.' said Martin.

'I did. In Ecuador, next to a volcano. The clouds look flat next to a big mountain. You can be standing right there and you'd never know there's a mountain there at all because the clouds cover it up.'

'Only there's no mountain for miles, is there?' said Martin.

'Look, I'm just saying it's possible for clouds to look like this. That's all.'

'They look like big omlettes, right?' said Dean. 'Fuck,I'm hungry.'

Rajesh passed Martin the joint. The four of them stared at the sky.

Dylan burst through the loading bay doors like a domestic cat that had been set on fire by a neighborhood kid. 'That unbelievable bastard!'

'Jesus Christ the savior. Do not do that again, you scared the hell out of me. I thought you were Rogers.' said Martin, who was now standing up with a clipboard in his hands.

'What did you do with the joint?' said Dean. He was standing up now and looked like he had been disturbed in the middle of unloading. Anita looked like she was taking stock and Rajesh was scrutinizing the content of an already opened box of lampshades. Of the four, Rajesh wore his Savemore uniform best. It was meticulously ironed and the name tag sparkled. Anita and Dean both looked like their uniforms had been washed in starch (a result of the uniforms not being washed at all, ever) and Martin's uniform looked like it was a size too small.

'I dropped it. I already have a citation for drinking too many coffees I really don't need another one, thank you very much.'

'Ah shit,' said Dean. 'well, where is it?'

'I don't know, I wasn't thinking straight, I thought he was Rogers.'

'Hang on, Rogers gave you a citation for drinking too many coffees?' asked Dean.

'Yes. He said three were the allowed number and anything over was theft.'

'That is unbelievable.' said Dean.

'Never mind all that now,' said Dylan, 'Gordon is quitting The Pack.'

'What?' said Anita, Dean and Rajesh together.

'He's fucking quitting. The week before the Center Continent tournament. Can you believe this?'

'He can't quit now,' said Martin, 'we don't qualify without a wizard.'

'Is it because Morpheus kicked him in the balls?' said Rajesh.

Dylan looked at Rajesh and raised one eyebrow. Then he said, 'No, it's that bitch Denise. She told him we're holding him back. Martin, why is your ponytail smoking?'

Martin beat at his hair until the joint fell out. It fell on the ground. He picked it up and took a hit. He offered it to Dylan. Dylan took the roach, crumpled it up and threw it up onto the loading bay roof.

'Concentrate!' he said.

'I will talk to him,' said Rajesh. 'he is obviously confused.'

'No I tried that already,' said Dylan.'I think we'll have to resort to something drastic.'

'Like what?' asked Anita.

'I don't know. Sabotage his coffee breaks? send him nasty notes? What?' said Dylan.

'Well, maybe we kidnap Denise and hold her ransom until the tournament.' said Rajesh.

Everyone turned to look at him. Dean was shaking his head.

After a moment's silence Rajesh said 'Too much?'

'Much too much.' Martin said.

'Seriously, what are we going to do? We can't do the tournament without him, he's our leader.' said Anita.

'I could be the leader,' said Dean.

Anita took Dean's hand and patted it. 'Sure you can, baby.'

Dylan sat down on the loading bay steps and put his face in his hands. 'I can't believe what a bastard he's being. I just can't believe it.'

'Dylan are you crying?' asked Anita. She kneeled down beside him.

Dylan looked up with tears in his eyes and said, 'no, it's just these allergies'

'So Gay.' said Rajesh.

'Shut up Rajesh!' said Anita, 'we'll work it out Dylan.'

'So mean...' said Dylan.

'Well, if I watch anymore of this I'm going to be sick,' said Rajesh.

'Yes, pull yourself together, man.' said Martin. 'Lets go talk some sense into him.'

'You guys go, I just want to be alone for a bit.' said Dylan. He wiped a tear from his eye. Then he said, 'woe guys, have you seen these clouds?'

Taking Life Seriously

-3-

Dylan's face popped up over the young adult books section. It said: 'how's the balls?' the face was eating a Mars bar that Dylan had dipped in his coffee for what he liked to call 'that extra caffeinee flavor'.

Dylan was wearing a white button up shirt with a stripped green and white tie. He had a name tag that said: 'Hi, my name is _Inigo Montoya_'

Gordon was wearing the same Savemore uniform, but his name tag said Hi, My name is _Gordon_'. Gordon was packing a bookshelf with the new installment of the Twilight series. 'Can you believe people read this shit?' he said without stopping.

'I can't believe Morpheus kneed you like that after you killed him. And that was a classic move too. Two handed slam, you lobed his head right off. Classic.'

'I mean it's about a vegetarian vampire, terrible.'

Dylan walked over to Gordon and sat down in one of the small plastic chairs meant for children readers. 'Hmmm, so what's wrong?' he asked.

'you're three hours late for work.'

'I accidentally smashed my alarm clock into the side of the bed while throwing my cell phone into the toilet.'

'And Denise left me.'

Dylan put his cup of coffee on the reading table, dipped his Mars bar into his coffee and said: 'Hmmm, so what's wrong?'

'Damn it, man, can you for maybe two seconds pretend to be something that sort of resembles a thing that is at least human-like and show me some compassion?'

'you're right, those Twilight books are total crap, absolutely.' Dylan said with a mouth half full of chocolate.

Gordon squeezed into the other tiny plastic chair.

'how the hell do you fit your ass into these things? they're tiny.'

'it's all thanks to a steady diet of coffee, Mars bars, and insane amounts of beer.'

'I come home after the game last night and she wanted to have sex, except I couldn't because of Morphues kicking me in the nethers. So she got angry. She said I'm a deluded idiot who is wasting his life LARPing.'

'So tell her it's a perfectly normal expression of appreciation of fantasy within the content of pop culture.'

'I did. She said I wasn't taking life seriously.'

'that bitch.'

'she called me a Gandalf wannabe.'

'Oh no, she didn't!'

'she said I keep turning down great jobs just so I can stay in stupid Savemore with my stupid friends and I keep living that stupid Tarantino fantasy where me and you are going to make that stupid zombie film and I'm completely stupid.'

'that bitch.'

'I loved her man, I thought she was the one.'

'forget her, she was holding you back.'

'Amazing, that's what she said about you.'

'that bitch!'

'stop saying that. We're never going to make that film are we?'

'what are you talking about man? I have it all figured out, I dreamed the whole thing last night. Listen to this: our hero is your average under achiever right? He has a shitty job, a terrible room mate, a best friend who is kind of a screw up, a weird relationship with his step father, and a girlfriend who is always upset at him for living the same routine day in day out.'

'Right, what then?'

'then she breaks up with him. Also because she has these two idiot friends influencing her all the time, And he gets horribly drunk with his best friend, fights with his room mate, and decides to sort out his life for good and get her back.'

'Ok, I'm seeing it. what's next.'

'well, during this whole time, a series of unusual events happen randomly in the background. People get sick, they faint in the middle of the street. Our hero even thinks he sees one man eating a live pigeon in the park.'

'Dylan.'

'so in the morning, without even noticing, get this, the zombie apocalypse happens.'

'Dylan'

'our hero discovers this by accident. He discovers a girl in his yard that he thinks is totally drunk and him and his friend end up trying to kill her with LP's.'

'Dylan!'

'What?'

'That's Shaun of the Dead!'

'What?'

'Did you get drunk last night?'

'Maybe a bit tipsy.'

'and did you watch tv?'

'I might have, I can't remember exactly.'

'I don't believe you.' Gordon stood up and walked away.

Dylan jumped up with the tiny chair still stuck to his backside, 'wait where are you going? Wait!' he pushed the chair off his ass and started to run after Gordon. He caught up with Gordon halfway down the dry goods aisle and said: 'I hope you're not about to do something rash.'

'I'm about to call the woman I love, tell her I'll take the job at her father's office even though I know it will mean an existence of constant and unbearable humiliation, then I'm going to tell the guys I quit The Pack and then I'm going to go get horribly drunk.'

'why are you doing this, man?'

Gordon stopped walking and turned to Dylan. 'Because we're 32 years old, Dylan.'

'Well, what the hell has that got to do with anything?'

'It has everything to do with everything. Because I am not really Halsolt of the Weir and you are not really Augustus Minion and what we are are two sad losers who work at a Savemore and dream about making a movie and it's almost as pathetic as the idea of a vegetarian vampire.'

Dylan grabbed Gordon's shoulders, hard and started to shake him. 'Snap out of it, man. That woman has bewitched you, this is crazy talk.'

'Stop that, stop it!' Gordon flung Dylan off him. 'this was fun in university, but we're too old for this shit now!'

Dylan looked as if he had been sucker punched. 'No, you can't mean that. This whole thing, everything, was your idea. Everything. I dropped out of school and we already wrote six screenplays and it's just a matter of time till we sell one. And too old? martin is 45 now, and Rajesh, and Anita and Dean, they all look up to you. You can't mean any of this. You can't.'

'I'm sorry,' said Gordon, and walked away.

'you selfish bastard!' screamed Dylan.

Gordon turned around, gave Dylan the finger and kept walking away.

Dylan stood at the dry goods section, half a Mars bar still clutched in one hand and melting onto the neon white floor. He threw the Mars bar across the room. It stuck to the back of Gordon's shirt, but Gordon either didn't notice or didn't care. He turned the corner and disappeared into the sporting goods section.

Because he could think of nothing else to do, Dylan kicked the shelf nearest to him. He screamed in pain as he smashed his big toe into a tin of baked beans. He grabbed his foot and started skipping in place. It was then that he noticed the mother hugging her terrified child to her lap. The boy was crying.

Dylan said: 'thank you for shopping at Savemore.'

Taking Life Seriously

-2-

It is November 21 2011. It's night time, look, it's 4:33 if you want to be petty about it. The small city of Gort sleeps.

Gort's not exactly a city really, more like a town, well a village to be brutally honest. It's one of those places where everyone knows everyone and they're constantly in each others' business. Population 3076, Gort used to be a mining town until the mines dried up a hundred years ago, now it's become a sort of suburb to the city in the north. People live here, but only because the rent is cheap. There are those people from the city who some times move here because they want to live 'in the country' but they get bored fairly soon and move back to wherever they can get a low fat soya frapuchino and a political discussion in which they can pretend to know a whole lot about the culture and economic situation of places they have never been in. Still it's not that bad. The country side is stunning, if you like miles and miles of green fields and hills and black black skies with a thousand million burning stars. But if you're from the city you probably don't. That probably scares you, and the noises cows make while grazing in the dark must evoke in you both a real fear for the safety of the ozone layer and an irrational desire to eat a steak.

Gort does have a few amenities: a big and well stocked public library which is always busy on a Saturday morning, three churches: catholic, protestant and Lutheran, one public school with high school built in, a technical collage, four pubs, two restaurants, five takeaways (three of which are indian food), and a shopping center.

The Visitors shopping center is at the western edge of Gort, so that when it was built, the bus route had to be changed so that it would pass by it. The mall has three book stores, a couple of clothes stores, a comic book shop, a toy shop, a cinema, a food court, a pet store called Puppy Heaven, and the Savemore: 'your complete house, home and outdoor store for all your needs.'

so that's Gort, and it's late at night, and suddenly every single animal at the Puppy Heaven pet store starts howling and scratching at its cage. One parakeet bites the bars until its beak starts bleeding, it continues regardless. A litter of puppies that was kept together in the same box suffocate each other while trying to escape. The macaw lies at the bottom of its cage and refuses to move. One cat manages to open its cage and runs head first into the store's plate glass window. It dies instantly.

Taking Life Seriously

-1-

“My father walked into my mother's village at midnight on the longest night of the year, playing the black violin. He was limping in his mud encrusted boots, his white shirt flung open, red hair flying in the breeze. He walked with a limp but fast and swaying to the music.

The old Roma women knew what he was. They took their daughters and they locked them up in the caravans and they bound their ears with gossamer and said the rosary over them. But my grandmother was away that night, birthing in a nearby village, and so no one bound my mother's ears and no one blessed her, and she went to dance with the man. And she was damned.

And the beast made her drunk on song and dance, and he took my mother and he knew her in the forest like an animal, and she came, holding on to its horns in the full moon. And he spent himself inside her, and I was conceived.

In the morning my grandmother, an old woman of 70 even back then having only had my mother at age 54, was walking home through the forest, and she saw my mother lying in the bracken naked and with blood on her thighs and breasts and mouth, and she said: 'whore'.

I have the power of seduction of my father Satan, and of witchcraft and healing from my mother of the Roma. I am forever torn between their good and evil, I must always fight the beast inside. And so I do good deeds, and I travel the lands far and wide to heal the sick and restore faith to the lost. But heed me comrades, trust me not, for I do not trust myself.”

The young woman stopped talking and sat back down next to the fire. It was dark and the field was cold and wet. The five men also sitting by the fire, all dressed in battle gear and axed and sworded look at her over the flames until one man said:

'Jesus, Anita that was fucking brilliant.'

'Man, Dean, stay in character.' said the man in the wizard robes.

'Damn, sorry Gordon. Shit! fuck! I mean, I apologize great Halsolt of the Weir.'

'Never mind that now,' says the Great Halsolt of the Weir, 'the enemy are close, I can hear their war horn.'

and there was indeed the sound of a trumpet being blown in the distance.

“prepare yourselves!' said Finn the Elder, 'for the enemy are many, and they have in their service a great host of evil beasts and machinations.'

The five men and the woman all stood up and stared ahead into the green field and the oncoming battle. They were not handsome men. Halsolt of the Weir was far too skinny even in his bulky wizard robes, his great glasses covered up half of his face, and his scraggly beard covered the rest of it. Finn the Elder was, well, a large man, but not in the way a warrior should be large, and his long hair looked greasy. Anita of the Roma, the wild mage, was a tall redhead with a giant overbite, so that when she smiled, even with the anticipation of battle in her blood, she looked no more threatening than a field mouse with herpes. Sothoth the black knight's armour was filthy. He himself however, was a very short meticulous looking Indian man with a clean shaven head and a goatie of the kind only bards would dare wear without fear of ridicule. The great Gewain, the wild tribesman, had a giant mohawk and many tribal markings, one of which said 'Nancy forever' and seems to have been attempted to be crossed out. And finally, Agustus Minion standing poised in his black robes, black hair, black boots, well, he just looked drunk really.

'Put out the fire! Mind the smoke!' Said Finn the Elder.

The five straggled to put out the small camp fire as fast as they could.

'Shit,' Said the Great Gewain, 'My shoe's on fire.'

'Dammit, Gewain, put it out, they'll see us' said Anita of the Roma.

'I can't. Shit, it hurts!'

Halsolt of the Weir sighed and poured some water on the burning shoe. 'Ok now, comrades at arms, like we practiced it!'

The great Gewain examined his charred shoe. 'I got it on sale,' he said, 'they've gone back up to 200 now.'

'Shut up and get up the tree,' said Anita of the Roma.

Sothoth the Black who would have been completely invisible in the dark, if it wasn't for his perfectly white gleaming teeth, whispered: 'this is perfect, I've been waiting to get that little whoreson Chen for six moons.'

'Surely yer not still upset about that little wench from the ale house?' whispered Finn the Elder

'I saw her first!'

'The what in the what and the what what?' asked Augustus Minion.

'Shhhh!' said Finn the Elder, 'Sothoth was going to ask that Jemma that works at The Hub out, only he couldn't get himself to actually ever talk to her...'

'I was taking my time!' shrieked Sothoth

'Shhhhh, anyway she's with Chen now.'

'The bastard,' whispered Sothoth.

'The utter bastard,' whispered Finn the Elder.

'That prick,' whispered Augustus Minion.

The three disappeared into the trees.

For all their apparent ineptitude, the six were a fine and skilled team of warriors, probably the best in their class. They spent many days practicing routines under Halsolt the Weir's guidance. He was a brilliant strategist and a merciless slave driver, and they had much experience and trusted each others' capabilities and strengths completely.

The Great Halsolt had grouped them into teams of twos so that each member of the fighting team was backed up by a member who complemented their style and covered up their weakness. Aside from this, breaking the team up allowed for the warriors to attack from three different angles, disperse quickly if any one member was under a direct attack, organize independently as fighting cells, be able to mount rescue missions in case of capture, and ambush their enemies with stunning success.

Finn the Elder fought with Sothoth the Black. The Fat man was slow, but strong, and the short one was fast and stealthy. Together they made up one perfect warrior.

Anita of the Roma fought alongside The Great Gewain. She would often act as bait while he bid his time and took out the opposition one by one. And he, being her lover, when seeing her in danger, was subject to fits of protective berserker rage that always served in their favor.

And finally, the winning combination of Halsolt the Weir and Augustus Minion was the most dangerous of all. The two oldest warriors with the most tactical experience acted as the cavalry, saving their entry till later in the battle, (Augustus in particular avoided any unnecessary combat at all) and were able to go where they were most needed. They always secured the most amount of kills. In the right setting, the two were unstoppable.

After a small while, a group of four men and two women appeared from behind the hill, walking in single file, creeping. They were wearing identical silver armour with purple capes and a large M embezzled on their chests.

One of them said: 'Hold Morpheus, I can smell a fire.'

Morpheus turned around to face the man. He put a finger to his lips. He put a hand to his eye. He raised it and touched his ear. He pulled.

'Hey Magentta jerks, up here!' said The Great Gewain from the top of the tree.

'It's a trap,' screamed one of the Magentta women, 'run!'

but here was where the pack were at their best. In the deep black each one already had a dagger at the throat of one enemy and the Magentta crew were dead before they even had time to draw their swords.

Only Morpheus, the leader was left alive.

'Hey, not fair you guys,' said a voice from the floor. 'you ambushed us.'

'Shut up Chen, you're dead.' said Sothoth the Black.

Halsolt clicked the head of his staff and a dim green light appeared. Halsolt the Great was smiling. 'There's nothing in the rules about no ambushes. Maybe you should send scouts next time Morphy.'

Morpheus sighed, 'I really hate it when you call me Morphy, man, it's not cool. Look, I challenge you to single battle for my life under law 4.7 of fair play.'

'You dare challenge a level 21 wizard? Seriously?'

'Well obviously you can't use spells in single combat, it violates the anti magic treaty of the 2009 mage war and besides it's too dark to cast right now, I wouldn't be able to see what to counter spell.'

'a sword fight then.'

'to the death.'

'to the death.'

Chief cook and Dishwasher

-2-

But he missed. Well, that's not entirely true. It was like Jem dematerialized or something and the bullet went right through her and lodged itself in the opposite wall raising a thin spray of plaster as it did.
James fell to his knees. 'We're all going to die, aren't we?' he said.
'Not if I can help it,' Jem said.
'Come on Sarah, I'll take you home.' JC half cajoled, half shoved her out of there. That bastard. I can already see how that would play out: Sarah: Oh JC, I'm so scared JC: here, let me help you to bed. That bastard.
Sarah mumbled, 'bye,' and they left, and then it was just the three of us. Well, James was half catatonic so I don't know that he counted, but we stayed and no one was sure what happens now.
'So what happens now?' I asked.
James looked at me, then Jem. Jem smiled. 'Now I ask for your help,' she said.
'I don't know how but you hid this from me for years, what you are I mean, and now you want help? I don't know who you are and I don't trust you, and besides, I'm not a soldier.'
Jem nods her head, 'You're right,' she said, 'I'm sorry for lying to you, but really if I'd told you about any of this would you have believed me? Come on, you would have thought I was insane. Or that I'm having an episode or that I watch too much Syfy.' She looked me in the eyes and said, 'it's still me, babe.'
'I can help,' James said, 'I have a gun.'
'Guns don't work on us,' Jem said, 'our bodies are less dense than bullets, we're more like holograms really.'
'But how is that possible, Jem?' I said, 'I mean, you... we... you know.'
Jem reached out and took my hand, I instinctively pulled back. She frowned and said, 'yeah, I deserve that. look we're tangible. We can hold and feel but when we want to we can also be ghosts.'
James fired again. It went right through her. The three hundred year old German sand blast vase my grandmother gave me for my 30th birthday exploded.
'Can you please stop doing that?' she said.
'Sorry,' he said and put the gun on the table.
'Look, it's hard to explain because you don't have the scientific language for it.'
'Try me,' I said.
'Okay, Okay. You know how your science claims that while you can only sense and use 4 dimensions there are actually 14 dimensions to the world?'
'I didn't know, but whatever.'
'I knew that,' James said. We both looked at him for a moment.
'So anyway,' Jem said, 'we exist in several dimensions at the same time and it allows us to alter density in proportion to quanta spent.'
'What the hell is quanta?' I said.
'It's a unit of measurement of volume.'
'Ah,' I said, 'you're Timelords.'
Jem smiled, 'I guess, if you like.'
'Fezzes are not cool,' James whispered. We both looked at him.
I started picking up the beer cans on the table one by one till I found one that was half full. I drank. 'So, you are a distant relative of Doctor Who which basically means you can do anything and you just happen to spend every Sunday playing Urban Terror with us. Why?'
'You're my best friend,' she said, 'I love you.'
And I looked at her, into her bright blue eyes (tears held back by black black lashes) and she was still my Jem. Always, my Jem.
'Okay,' I said, 'what do you need? want me to get some weapons? do I need special training? what?'
She laughed and launched herself into my arms and I held her as tight and strong as I could until she shrugged. When we came apart James was standing above us so we pulled him down to us and we all hugged again.
'I don't want to die,' James said.
Then I guess we all cried a little and we hugged some more and sometime in the afternoon James went out to get some more beer and we drank it and watched the news holding hands.
And then Seb came back and Jem said she had to go and she explained how we could help her: 'An army needs to be fed,' she said, 'they need three meals a day and field rations. They need people to launder their clothes and change their sheets. They need clean barracks to rest in and people to wake them up.' So I went to the cafe and I pulled up the shift list and I started making calls.
Mina makes an awesome tofu casserole but she's really gonna to chew my ear off when I tell her we're feeding two hundred thousand people.