Taking Life Seriously

-7-

Cut. Fade to black.

There are things we always remember.

Smells: The smell of fresh cut grass from that hill we used to play on when we were kids. The smell of stuffed pigeons baking in grandfather's kitchen on a Saturday afternoon after he shot and skinned them in the back yard that morning. The scent of your first dog. The way your grandmother smelled that final week in the hospital.

Touch: the way he touched you, just ran his finger on your collarbone and said, 'beautiful'. The way she hugged you and cried and she was squeezing so hard you thought your ribs would break.

Sounds: that first song you ever heard that made you feel like all the energy, all the anger, the frustration inside of you exploding, and burning and burning and burning. That thump that rabbit made when you accidentally dropped it into the shallow grave you dug after the dog killed it. The ringing in your ears that day the concussion grenade went off to your right, that day they shot and killed your friend.

Sights: when you turned that corner and saw the valley from the top of the mountain, and the lake was so black and the flowers were so yellow, and then you realized you were crying and you didn't know why. The way that whale shark came swimming by right underneath you, so close you thought you could touch it, and the sunset made it look purple.

Taste: mustard and polony, and now you can't remember that spicy meaty flavor without thinking about sex.

Disaster.

Rewind:

At 6:45AM Denise is dressed and packing a suitcase. Gordon is sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxer shorts and holding his head between his hands.

'Look don't do this,' he says, 'I get back from work, we can talk about it like two civilized human beings...'

'There's nothing to talk about anymore' she packs with her back to him, 'I can't believe you're doing this, you're fucking 32 years old and you're still acting like you're 12 and I've heard all of this before. Why don't you just go play Gandalf with your loser friends.'

He looks up, 'It's Halsolt of the Weir, and they're not losers, and it's a perfectly normal expression of appreciation of fantasy within the content of pop culture. And what the hell does any of that have to do with this?'

She holds up a yellow shirt with white flowers and waves it in his face, she shrieks: 'it has everything to do with it. You keep turning down these great jobs just so you can stay in that stupid shop with your stupid friends and that loser Dylan, and you keep living that stupid Tarantino fantasy where you and that loser Dylan are going to write that stupid zombie movie and you're completely deluded.'

'working at your father's firm is not a great job, it's a prison sentence.'

'ooohh so now being around my family is a prison sentence.'

'no, that's not what I said.'

'that's exactly what you said. And what does that make me? A warden?'

he tries to get close, to hold her, she pushes him away.

'Fuck off, Gordon. All I've ever tried to do was help you. And what have I got to show for it? A fucking boyfriend that works at a Savemore and thinks he's a wizard from middle earth.'

'I don't think I'm a wizard. and it's center continent, look, can't we at least have a cup of tea.'

'Why can't you take life seriously?' she slams the door behind her when she leaves.

7:00: the alarm goes off. It's one of those irritating novelty chicken alarms and it's driving Dylan crazy. He reaches his hand out from under the blanket and grabs the thing. then he smashes it full force into the side of the bed. The alarm stops. Then the cellphone alarm goes off. Dylan screams and hurls it into the toilet. Silence. He pulls the blanket over his head.

At 7:05 Martin is standing in the kitchen frying three eggs, over easy, like Betsy likes them.

'You want some ketchup babe?' he yells to the bedroom.

'It's ok babe, i'll get it meself.'

'Okay.'

he takes out the eggs and puts them in plates. One for Betsy, two for him. He butters two slices of toast for himself and one for Betsy. He puts ketchup on his eggs. He pours himself a cup of coffee. He sits down at the table and reads the paper while he eats. 'Unusual Weather Patterns Expected.' Well, the sky is unusually dark for November.

Betsy comes in and gives him a peck on the cheek. Her hair is wrapped up in a towel. Still looks beautiful though, he thinks. He smiles at her.

7:20 Water runs, Anita screams: 'Get out of here you big goof. We'll be late.' she's laughing.

'Come on, sweetie, we have enough time for a quick one, we're fine for time,' Dean says.

'I've got shampoo in my hair and you're wetting the whole bathroom.'

He's naked, so is she. Most of the shower water is now on the floor.

'come on sweetie, we have 5 minutes, let me in.'

'Only if you mop the bathroom floor while I get dressed.'

'My pleasure, Ma'am'.

She lets him in the shower. It takes less than 3 minutes and 24 seconds. She ends up moping the bathroom floor.

At 7:30: Rajesh examines his perfect teeth in the mirror while he flosses. His teeth are perfect. Perfect. He looks at his them like a french artist looks at his paintings the morning after a heavy drinking session, not sure exactly how any of it happened, but knowing unerringly that it is right. Rajesh looks for any flaws or unsightly stains and finds none, satisfied he turns to examine his fingernails thoroughly, then he takes out a small pocket nail file and files out what could have led to the beginning of a very nasty hairline crack indeed. Then the grooming of the goatie. It must be neat and tidy at all times so as not to appear like a common thug, or God forbid, Tom Seleck. It must be perfect. He takes out a small jar of mustache wax and combs it in. There, he smiles at his perfect self .There.

At 7:39 AM every migratory bird in the immediate area heads South inexplicably.

At 7:59 Gordon, Martin, Dean, Anita and Rajesh arrive at the Visitors shopping center Savemore (the store that saves you more). Dennis Rogers, the floor manager, opens the store doors for them and 27 other employees. Gordon punches in for Dylan.

At 8:04 Evey Hunt, the woman who owns Puppy Heaven pet store arrives at work. As soon as she opens the store's door, several animals that have managed to escape their cages claw frantically at her face in an attempt to get out and she is blinded in one eye. Seven dogs, three cats, two birds, a mongoose and two parrots escape. Let that be a lesson to all you animal exploiters out there.

At 8:27 Martin arranges soup cans in aisle 18. Gordon mops the deli floor. Anita takes stock on aisle 12. Dean offloads a truck in the packing bay. Rajesh prepares a cup of coffee in the canteen. Rogers notes that Rajesh has had one cup of coffee so far today. Dylan snores and talks in his sleep. he says: 'removing the head or destroying the brain'. The woman that owns the pet store is discovered unconscious by a shopping center security guard.

10:12 Strange pancake shaped clouds appear in the sky. They may also look omlette shaped.

11:03 Dylan walks into the Vistiros shopping center. He goes up to the cash teller and sticks the letter B before the ATM sign and the letters AN after it, then he walks into the Savemore

11:32 Dylan is dumped by his best friend. So gay.

12:01 Gordon gets a haircut.

It is now 12:49. In eleven minutes and forty two seconds something terrible is going to happen.