Taking Life Seriously

-8-

But earlier that morning Gordon James walked down the sporting goods aisle, stormed out of the Savemore's doors and bumped into Dennis Rogers, hard, which was unfortunate considering the fact that Rogers had just purchased a Strawberry milkshake from The Hub for 12.85 and now the remaining 10.73 in undrank shake was splashed all over his tshirt. What was even worse was that it was one of those truly horrible tshirts that are made to look like cardigans.

'What the hell do you think you're doing, Gordon?' Rogers screamed and wiped a piece of strawberry from his face. (The Hub used real fruit in their milkshakes, which is why the milkshakes were both outrageously expensive and quite delicious)

'Quitting.' said Gordon.

'What? You can't quit! it's nearly Christmas and I'm short staffed by six. And look what you've done here. Bring a bucket and clean up this mess at once!' Rogers stamped his foot on the ground when he said it.

'Blow me, Rogers.' said Gordon. 'I'm gone.'

Rogers' mouth dropped open. 'what did you just say?'

'I said blow me. This is an acceptable shorter version of 'give me a blowjob' or 'suck my dick' if you are unfamiliar with the terminology. That is to say, the only way this conversation continues is if I put my penis in your mouth and you felate it. Bye.'

Gordon started walking off but Rogers grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. 'now, listen here you little waste of space. Get a mop and clean up this mess or I'll..'

'You'll what, Rogers? Dock my pay for an extra cup of coffee? Break into my locker and leave me warning notes? Cancel my lunch breaks for a week? Tell everyone at work that I'm a satanist? You've already done all that so leave me the fuck alone.'

'I'll fire Dylan.' Rogers said.

Gordon said, 'I don't care.'

'Then I'll have him arrested.'

'You can't do that. What for?'

'Smoking drugs, stealing from the work place, it doesn't matter.'

Gordon opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. Rogers let go of his shirt.

'Now,' said Rogers, 'clean up this mess.'

'what is your problem, Rogers? Why are you such a major prick?'

'You're my problem,Gordon, you and your friends. But no matter what you do, no matter how you try to outsmart me, I'll always have one up on you. You see, I know everything that goes on in this store, everything. You guys think you're so smart, stealing coffees, slacking off, smoking joints at the loading bay. Oh yes, I went to university, I know what it smells like. I am short staffed and I need you today, so you do your job until I find you a replacement or you'll see exactly what a major prick I can be.'

Gordon nodded, he said: 'hey Rogers, what's that on your hand?'

rogers looked at his hand. It was covered in melted mars bar, the one that was stuck to the back of Gordon's shirt. 'egh, revolting,' he said. Then Gordon head butted him.

'Arghh, my nose, I think you broke my nose.'

Gordon grabbed Roger's collar, he pulled Roger's face towards him, looked directly into Rogers eyes and said: 'listen to me. We are done here. I have worked here for 12 years and I know everything about this store too. I know you take a percent off the top of every night's cash up and mark it up as insurable loss. I know the real reason that Simone girl left and that she was only 16. and I know exactly where the electrical equipment that went missing last month is. You do anything, and I mean anything, even mention the coffees again to any of them, and I will end you. Do you understand?'

'My nose...'

'Sorry about that actually, I didn't mean to hit you so hard. But anyway I can see it's not broken or anything, so, are we done here?'

'Yes.'

'Good.' Gordon let him go. 'sorry about the whole blow me thing, I'm sort of having a bad day.'

'Yes.'

Gordon put his hand out for a handshake, then he saw Roger's hands, one was holding a Hub milkshake cup, still wet, the other was covered in chocolate. He put his hand down and said:

'Well, bye then'

'Bye.' Rogers said.

Gordon walked away. Rogers watched him, and as he did, his hand closed around the cardboard cup and crushed it. A last sip of strawberry milkshake splashed out with a strange ploop noise. 'This isn't over.' he said.

And this is a maxim that everybody should know: never ever ever trust anyone that wears a shirt that looks like a cardigan.