Taking Life Seriously

-16-

 

There was a noise of a wet thing tearing and the alarm squealed. 

They ran then, all twenty six of them, Martin lagging behind because of the weight of Aileen Anders who was slung over his shoulders like a silicone mannequin. And then they were knocking on the stock room's metal door, furious, helpless, panicking. 

In their minds they could see those things coming, thousands of them, with laser guns and tinfoil suits, and teeth. In their minds they all had teeth.

They knocked, they begged, they prayed to be let in. 

'Please someone, anyone, anyone, oh god, anyone, open the door.' But no one answered. 

They screamed at the door, at each other, at their gods, but the gods were out that day surfing on the emerald beaches of some distant world and no one heard their promises to be better people, and to go to church every Sunday, and be kinder to their dear old mommies.

'Shit! Shit! Shit!' said Dean. 

'What now?' asked Anita.

'They're in there,' said Gordon. 'We have to get them to open the door.'

'The bastards!' said Dylan.

'No, wait, wait, they can't hear us,' said Martin panting. 'It's a fortified door, it's sound proof.'

'Ah right,' said Dean, 'you can't hear shit in there when the door's closed, that's how Donovan busted us when Anita was going down..'

'Dean!' Anita cut him off.

'Shit, sorry, babe.'

'Dumbass,' said Anita.

'In the stock room? Seriously?' asked Rajesh.

Dean shrugged and smiled.

'Ewww, I touch those boxes every day, you deviant. I swear if I touched a box that had any contact with your naked ass I will...'

'Never mind all that now,' said Gordon. 'We have to try and get hold of them.'

'The intercom,' said Martin.

The pack all looked at him. 

Dylan said, 'Fuck.'

The Savemore was built in 1978 by Switch Construction in coordination with the now defunct Everlasting Holdings Ltd.  It's total size in squared meters is 7530. It has an entrance atrium with an information and cellular telephone stand and behind it are 56 aisles, which since 2002 are organised alphabetically. 

There is a separate electronics and music store to the left of the supermarket. In the front are 24 check out tills, three of which are cash only. To the right of the store are the fitness, clothing and outdoors sections. There are two toilets. One is behind aisle 23 and the other behind aisle 50. The entrance to the employee section is behind the outdoors section, and is a long corridor which splits off to a T section, with the loading bay exit on the right. On the left are management offices, the control room, the employee lounge, a locker room, staff toilets and the stock room. In case of emergency the corridor functions as a fire exit and escape hatch. There was an intercom in the management office, but it had been broken on Friday evening by a malicious janitor that had been fired by Rogers for inappropriate use of a mop.

The only other intercom was at the information stand.

Dylan said: 'Fuck,' again.

Taking Life Seriously

-15-

At this point, dear reader, I'm sure you have a lot of questions.
'But La,' you're thinking, 'is this an isolated incident? Or is this happening all over?' and 'Why the bad costume design, La?' and 'Is Anita a real redhead?' But most of all, most of all you are thinking, 'Where are all the children in this story? Why are there no kids?'
So let me put your mind at ease here:
First off, although The Pack have no idea of what is going on in the world outside of the Savemore, this is in fact happening everywhere in the world. Yes, even in your home town. Yes, even in the countryside where nothing ever happens unless people are really massively drunk. At this moment hundreds of thousands of spaceships hover above the earth and platoons of soldiers dressed in bad tin-foil-like costumes are decimating the general population. They show no mercy and they do not take prisoners.
The good news is they can be killed as you've already seen. Come on, you can't tell me that you really believe this uber technology bull they sell you on the Sci Fi channel? like that aliens are the superior race with amazing weapons humans don't stand a chance against? Well, to be fair, they do have superior fire power, but only in the sense that the conquistadors had better weapons than the local population of what is today called the USA, so if you think about it, a well executed guerrilla resistance force can stand up to them with relative ease provided that they are well trained, well fed, and have, at least, a general knowledge of the area they have lived in their entire lives.
'So where is the army?' You're asking. That is a good question.
I'd like to point out that almost every army and police base in the world has just been blitzed. So they need a little time to get their shit together and let's cut them some slack here, because even though in times of peace all they do is brutalise and enforce authority, be it just or not, in times of war they are the first ones to get eaten. So that's all right then. Anyway, give them a couple of hours is all I'm saying.
So now the real tough questions:
Where are all the children? They're in school I guess, it's like one in the afternoon, where else would they be? Except for those two teenage girls who obviously cut class and would have been busted by their principal who was out shopping for lawn furniture with her boyfriend at Home Style, but who now is fortunately (for the two girls at least) lying face down in a pool of her own congealed blood just in front of Ahmed Falafel. Besides we all know it's bad taste to kill children for fun, so I'm going to avoid it if I can. And let's not have any more out of you on that one.
As for the costume choice, let's just leave that out for now. We'll get to that in a minute.
And that question about Anita, well that could only have been asked by a teenage boy, and to that I say: you should go out more, maybe take up tennis or something. 

So now, where were we? Oh yes, the alarm jut went off.

Taking Life Seriously

-14-

Twelve minutes later they were all huddled together on the couch in the employee lounge of the Savemore, Dean hugging Anita fiercely, Martin looking at the floor and fiddling with his thumbs.

They had closed the shop's metal shutters and activated the alarm as soon as they all made it back, so they were locked in, safe, for now. Then they tried the TV and the radio hoping to get some idea of what was going on, but there was nothing, only white noise on all the frequencies. Then they listened to what was going on outside. There were a few isolated zaps, and some screams. Once there was the sound of feet shuffling and someone trying the lock. Then everything was quiet.

'What now, Oh Glorious Leader?' said Dylan.

Gordon frowned, he always frowned when he was thinking, except now that he had shaved the frown looked deeper, and had somehow encompassed his entire face. The others watched him in silence. 

Rajesh got up and examined his ruined goatie in the mirror above the microwave.

'Tom Seleck,' he said.

Anita looked around. There were twenty seven survivors including The Pack, all huddled in small groups on the other two yellow couches and the black plastic chairs in the lounge. A man in his late twenties was giving out water and people were mumbling thanks, too stunned to form whole sentences. The two teenage girls Rajesh and Martin had found were crying and their excessive make up had smeared so that they both looked like members of a Kiss cover band. And there was Aileen Anders, the only person to actually fight one of those things, still unconscious.

Dylan lit a cigarette.
'Ahem,' said a woman in a pink sweater.
Dylan ignored her.
'Ahem,' she said again.
Dylan sighed. Then he put on his best smile and said: 'Why, whatever is the matter?'
'Do you mind not smoking? Only there are children present.'
'Hmm,' Dylan looked at the cigarette, then back at the woman and said, 'Let me get this straight, you have just survived what appears to be a terrorist attack led by members of the Lady Gaga fan club, and what you are in fact worried about is second hand smoke?' 
'Erm...' said the woman.
'Right. Kindly sit down and shut your cake hole, Madam.'
The woman left.
'The shutters won't hold them for long,' said Anita.
'It's going to be okay, the army will come and get us.' said Martin.
'You don't know that,' said Dean, 'you don't know anything. What if it's like this all over the world? What if...'
'Shut up Dean,' said Dylan, 'let's let the man think.'
'Hey,' said Gordon suddenly, 'where is everyone?'
'What everyone?' said Dylan.
'Hello, the Savemore has some staff other than you right? Sixty something, no? And that prick Rogers. They couldn't all have died, I don't see any bodies here, do you?'
'No,' said Dylan.
'So where is everyone?' said Rajesh.
'The stock room,' said Gordon.  The pack all turned to look at him.
'Of course, the stock room, it's brilliant. They must all be locked up in there. It's got that huge metal door and the strong bolt, and enough food for a year's siege.' said Martin.
'Yes! it's brilliant, let's get everybody down there.' said Gordon.
'Nix not carrying the passed out lady,' said Dean, Dylan, Rajesh, Gordon and Anita.
'Seriously?' said Martin.
'Sorry, buddy,' said Dean and clapped Martin on the shoulder.
Martin sighed.

It took them a while to get everyone ready to move. Some of the older people looked like they were in a state of shock and needed a lot of help. Two people were wounded, one had sprained her ankle while running and the other looked like he had a broken arm. The Pack gave instructions, they brought back medical supplies and food from the shelves, and then they got everyone up and moving, well except for Aileen Anders, who Martin was carrying over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes.
They walked down aisle 24 to the corridor that led to the loading bay and turned left toward the stock room.
Then the store's alarm went off

Taking Life Seriously

-13-

See Rajesh run. 

Run, Rajesh, run.

'Bloody RUN!' screamed Martin. 

'I am running as fast as I can, man!' screamed Rajesh.

'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, we are going to die!' screamed Martin.

'Yes, yes, run, man!'

Two of the things were behind them shooting. A laser beam hit the middle aged bald man they found at Total Sports and he dropped to the floor. Rajesh leaped over him and kept running. 

'Jesus!' screamed Martin.

'Yes, yes, shut up already!'

They were seven now. They found the teenage girls hiding inside the All That Glitters, then they found an older couple at the chocolate shop, and then that poor bald dead guy at Total Sports. And then the two things showed up at the shop and started shooting at them and now they were running for the Savemore.

'We can't stay out in the open,' Rajesh yelled, 'we're too easy to hit.'

A flash of laser went off just over his left shoulder and Rajesh could smell burning hair.

'Where then?' yelled Martin.

'Can you smell that?' Rajesh asked. 'Wait a minute, Oh my God, did that thing mess up my beard?' asked Rajesh.

'Are you serious right now?' asked Martin.

'Yes, of course I'm serious is my beard ok?'

'Well I can't see it, it's on the other side of you, innit?'

'So get to the other side of me and look!'

'Jesus Christ, we're running for our lives you crazy moron, I...'

'JUST GET AROUND ME NOW!'

'Jesus, all right, maneuver 23. Ready? Go!'

Rajesh and Martin changed directions and bolted in a complex figure eight. Now Martin was on Rajesh's left. Both still running in the direction of the Savemore.

'Well?' said Rajesh.

'It's not that bad,' said Martin.

'Not that bad?' asked Rajesh and narrowed his eyes.

'Well, it's kind of... sort of... like that time you...'

'Oh my god! tell me I don't look like Tom Seleck right now!'

Martin said nothing.  

'Oh, there will be a reckoning. you mark my words, Martin. There will be a reckoning!'

'Old friend,' said Martin, 'I think that one day soon you may have to seriously reevaluate your priorities'

They ran.

Taking Life Seriously

-12-

The break up was painful, and as expected, intensely cruel in its banality. 

They were talking over a coffee at The Hub for the first time in two weeks. It was her idea of course, talking was always her idea, and she was just sick of being mad at him. She had made up her mind to listen and let him do all the talking. So she drank her espresso and listened. He didn't say sorry, he said: 'I guess some people are just not meant to care about each other.' 

He said: 'Haha, I'm too stoned to be having this conversation with you right now, it's so heavy.'

He said: 'Yes, it bugged me and everything, but I guess I just don't care enough.'

And she sat there not understanding and livid at the waste that was the two years of them living together and at the nonchalant dismissal and at the utter bastard that he'd turned out to be. And she wished that she had never met him, and then that he would get gonorrhea and his dick would drop off, and then she wished he would just drop dead. She felt the fury building up inside her like a napalm bomb.

And just as she was about to tell him what she thought, just as she was about to outline every aspect of what an utter bastard he really was, he died, just fucking died. Shot down with a ridiculous looking laser gun by what was clearly a man dressed in a god awful costume from It Came From Outer Space,  (she knew he was dead because she kicked him in the face three times to make sure). 

She looked up from the corpse of her ex boyfriend and into the face of the man that shot him and screamed in rage. 

Aileen Anders ran straight at the man who was now aiming a gun at her face and dived to the floor. She rolled forward, picked up a shard of glass off the floor, came up with her left hand in a smooth arch and stabbed the man in the throat. The shard of glass tore trough the man's neck and exited above his first vertebrae. She heard a satisfying crunch. The man's eyes glassed over and he collapsed. She kicked him in the stomach and screamed: 'Get gonorrhea and die!'

There was a polite, 'Ahem,' behind her. Aileen turned around. 

'Feeling better?' said Anita.

'Yes, much, thank you,' said Aileen.

'Good. Good,' said Anita. 'Can we get out of here now?'

Aileen looked down at the body of the man she had just killed. It was bleeding. 'His blood is green,' she said, 'why is his blood green?'

'Probably because it's an alien,' said Anita.

'What like from France?'

'I don't think so.'

'Oh,' said Aileen.

Aileen looked around. Terrified people were crouching behind tables and chairs and lying on the floor of The Hub with their hands on their heads. 'Oh,' she said. Then she fainted.

Taking Life Seriously

-11-

Dylan was peeking over the banister, 'I see two.' he said.

The atrium was clear of running people now. The things were standing at the entrance to the Food Court about a hundred meters ahead of them. They were facing opposite directions and shooting randomly into shops. The floor was littered with bodies. Terrified shoppers were ducked behind banisters and corridor corners all over the atrium.

Gordon risked peeking above the banister. 'Three,' he said.

'Ah yeah, but that one's got its back to us so it doesn't really count.'

One of the things turned in their direction.

'Get down!'

Dylan and Gordon ducked and sat with their backs to the banister.

'What are you thinking?' asked Dylan.

'They're just people aren't they?'

'Yeah, they just look like guys with make up on. And those suits look like tin foil, right?'

Gordon nodded and frowned.

'What is it?' asked Dylan.

'It's... Nothing. Never mind. You ready?'

'How do you want to play this?'

'You be the piggie.'

'Why do I have to be the piggie?'

'Because you have a better singing voice than I do.'

Dylan smiled, he grabbed Gordon's wrist: 'May the gods of war watch over me this day and revel in the blood I serve to their table.'

Gordon put his hand on Dylan's shoulder, 'May our enemies eye sockets fill with piss as we celebrate over their corpses.'

Dylan stood up and walked towards the entrance of the Food Court. 'Hey there,' he said. All three things turned to look at him. The two that were blocking the entrance to the Food Court looked at each other, then they looked at him and fired. Dylan ran.

Life has taught Dylan a great many things. Like, for example, never sleep with an eighteen year old who's older brother was a pro wrestler or, never play cards with a man who's middle name is 'The Saw', or, never go into church naked and start singing 'I Have a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts'. Unfortunately Dylan was a slow learner, and as result what he knew how to do best was to run, dive, duck and dodge. And run. And he could really run. If he set his mind to it the guy could probably be an Olympic contender, but Dylan would never have put that much effort into anything.

The two things said something in a language Gordon couldn't understand, then they ran after Dylan.

'That will do piggie,' said Gordon, 'that will do.'

There was only one left now, and he was standing way over at the end of the hall and facing the other way.

Gordon took his shoes off. He got up slowly, shoes in hand, keeping his eyes firmly on the thing at the end of the hall then he started to run. He ran for about seventy meters and then let his socks slide on the marble floor. It was a beautiful slide. A legendary slide. He slid for more than twenty meters and then came to a stop just short of the doorway.

Gordon looked at his socks with incomprehension. Then he looked to his left. The thing was staring at him, gun pointed at his side. Gordon ran. He entered the Food Court, took a sharp left and ducked behind Ahmed Falafel.

The Food Court's floor was covered in glass and Gordon's feet were bleeding. He looked to his right. A terrified looking man in an apron was lying down on the floor beside him, staring. Gordon put his finger to his lips. The man nodded.

Now he could hear the thing walking around the Food Court. The thing stopped. It sounded like it was sniffing the air, then it went to the Jake's Jambalaya counter. There was a scream, Gordon couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, and then what sounded like a laser blast. Then nothing. The man next to Gordon shut his eyes. Suddenly there was a sound of running and then Dylan's voice shouting: 'Over here big boy!' then there were more laser blasts and the sound of a chase. Then quiet.

'Good piggie,' he thought.

Gordon risked a peek. The Food Court was full of dead bodies but it was otherwise deserted. 'Anybody in here?' he whispered.

Nothing.

He sat back down and had a look at his feet. They didn't look too bad. He tried to get as much off the glass as he could off his bloody socks and put his shoes back on. Then he tried standing. He could feel a piece of glass in his left foot, but it would have to wait till later. Gordon walked out into the center of the room.

'Come on people, we have to get out of here. You'll all be safer at the Savemore. Where we have doors you can lock.'

The man from behind the Falafel stand crawled out and peeked from behind the food stand. Two more people stood up and looked at the carnage around the Food Court bewildered.

'Is that everyone?' Gordon asked.

Two more people stood up.
Gordon looked out the window of the Food Court at what looked like a thousand spaceships. he frowned.

'Okay people,' Gordon said, 'we're going to have to run for it.'

Taking Life Seriously

-10-

It happened so fast Gordon didn't even have a chance to get a proper look at them. First there were twelve blue streaks of light and then these things appeared. And they were shooting at anyone left standing.

'Run,' said Anita.

The Pack got up from under the table and still holding the clip boards in front of them started running.

'Where are we going?' said Martin.

'I don't know, I don't know, just run!' Anita shouted.

Gordon looked back and saw a middle aged man frozen with fear get hit in the chest by what looked like a blue laser ray. The man fell to the floor convulsing. Gordon thought he saw smoke coming out of the man's eyes and then they burst in a spray of already congealed blood. Gordon screamed.

The six ran out of the Food Court and into the main atrium of the shopping center. They ducked behind a banister.

'Where do we go? Where do we go?' Rajesh shrieked.

Now people all over the shopping center were screaming and running. It was blind panic. Gordon looked back. Two of those things were coming out of the Food Court now and shooting randomly into the mob of shoppers. Jesus Christ, it was like shooting canned lions.

'We need tactical advantage,' he said. 'Somewhere where we can hide and where we know where all the exits are.'

'The Savemore.' Dylan said panting.

'The Savemore?' are you crazy?' said Martin, 'it's like a death trap in there.'

'No, he's right,' said Gordon. 'We know that place inside and out. Run, you curs!'

The Pack ran. Suddenly Gordon stopped. 'Wait!' he shouted. The other five all stopped and turned back. 'We have to get these people to safety.'

'Are you insane, man?' said Rajesh.

'Break up, rescue formation 7. Just get as many of them as you can and meet in the employee lounge in twenty minutes.' said Gordon.

'Gordon, that's insane. That's real weapons out there from planet I don't know where and they kill people dead.' said Dean

'That's why we have to help them. Just tell them to go to the Savemore, we'll figure it out from there. I know you're scared. But just go!'

'No. it's crazy. I am not doing it and there is nothing you can say that will make me!' said Rajesh

Gordon inhaled. He put both hands on Rajesh shoulders and said: 'You are Sothoth The Black. Conceived on the black isles of Isanred, you killed your own flesh mother when you were only a babe in arms to get free of her demon's clasp. You have battled many fierce foes and each time you have emerged victorious. Will you now deny yourself the glory? Now, when the time of the omen is upon us?'

Rajesh said: 'except for that.'

Anita grabbed Dean's hand and ran towards The Hub. Rajesh and Martin went the other way towards the All That Glitters accessory and fun stuff boutique. Gordon and Dylan looked at each other.

'Do you realise just how much pain you have caused me today?' said Dylan.

Gordon smiled. They turned around and ran directly back in the direction of the Food Court.

Taking Life Seriously

-9-

It was 12:49PM but the sky outside was almost black. A storm was coming, Anita thought, a big one, and she hadn't brought her rain coat. Those pancake shaped clouds, they seemed denser now, and blacker and more, well, pancakey than before. She better call her mom, she thought, tell her to bring in the dog. But there was this first. The future of Center Continent depended on her.

The Pack sat down at their usual table at the Visitors shopping center Food Court and the entire staff breathed a sigh of relief.

'Anyone want a cup of tea?' said Gordon.

'Gordon, you can not do this,' said Rajesh, 'you have made Dylan cry.'

'Hey!' said Dylan, 'it's allergies.'

'Coffee then?' said Gordon.

'Yes, fine,' said Rajesh, 'Dylan is allergic to breaking up with you.'

'Hey!' said Dylan again.

'Maybe a fruit juice?'

'Stop it you guys,' said Anita. 'Look, Gordon, you can't just walk out on your life like this.'

'I'm really sorry guys but it's already done. I quit the Savemore too.' said Gordon.

'No!' said Dean and Anita together.

'You quit the Savemore?' said Martin, 'are you kidding me? We're short staffed as it is. Rogers is going to make our lives hell now.'

'Don't worry about Rogers,' said Gordon, 'I already spoke to him. You're going to be just fine.'

'He's going to make me do stock counts now,' said Dean, 'I hate stock counts.'

'No, really, guys, it's not going to be a problem, trust me.'

'And charts, Jesus Christ man, charts!'

'No, Dean, I...'

'Those stupid looking ones too, in the shape of a pie.'

'We're never going to see you again,' said Dylan suddenly.

The outburst surprised Gordon. He looked at Dylan and said: 'Sure you will, sure. We'll see each other all the time, like at the pub and at Christmas and like that.'

'Like last year when you went to Denise's family for Christmas?' said Dylan.

'I... ' said Gordon,'Well, then on Boxing Day?'

'Like last year when Denise's dad made you clean their yard on Boxing Day?'

'What? I thought you went to the city with your parents,' said Dean.

'Thanks a lot for that Dylan, really, thanks very much.'

'You're welcome.' Dylan whispered. Gordon looked at him. 'At least we accept you just the way you are. We don't try to change you into something you're not all the time,' said Dylan.

'What are you talking about?' asked Gordon.

'Denise, Gordon. She's always giving you shit about us.'

'Mostly about you, actually.'

'The pathetic weasel man is right,' said Rajesh, 'your girlfriend is very judgmental. Just dump her and move on with your life.'

Gordon shook his head. 'Guys,' he said, 'I am moving on with my life. Isn't it time you all started taking life seriously?'

'Just hang on a minute...' said Martin. Dylan cut him off:

'I was taking my life seriously, you condescending bullock. You can do that and also have fun. I'm serious about that film, I am working on it. Don't you see? After you walk out that door today everything is going to change. Sure we'll meet at The Hub every 6 months or so but you'll be working a nine to five like a civilized adult with all the joy sucked out of you and you won't have anything to say to us anymore. You will become a life size replica of Denise's father and you are going to hate yourself for it but you're going to tell yourself it was worth it, because of she is worth it, but - and here's the worst part - you are going to change so much that eventually she is going to hate you too, and I don't want that to happen, Gordon. I don't want to lose you. And I'm not crying, it's just allergies.'

Gordon put his hand on Dylans back. 'Shit, Dyl, I didn't know you felt...'

And every window in the Visitors Shopping center exploded simultaneously with a deafening crash.

For Dylan it all happened in slow motion. He grabbed Gordon's hand off his back with a smooth cat like motion and pulled him down and under the table. The rest of The Pack dove down instinctively too, they were trained combatants after all, and formed a circle using their clip boards as shields. Glass shattered into a billion razors and cut into the lunchtime crowd. Women covered their children. Husbands covered their wives, or they didn't, depending on how long they've been married for. The floor ran red with blood and spilled ketchup, and that red curry they make at Jake's Jambalaya and which gives you gas for like a week after you eat it.

Have you ever seen glass explode? No, not shatter, everyone has seen glass shatter it just breaks apart into uneven pieces along the route of least resistance, but when it explodes, well, Dylan has never seen anything like it before. He thought must look like a new solar system being formed.

It was like the glass inhaled and then exhaled so fast that it was ripped apart into perfect deadly diamonds that flew straight out of the window as if pushed by a convex shape, like say, the end of a boot. It was like a billion tiny bullets made of ice or a hundred million shards of crystalline sugar shot out of a Gatling gun. It was the perfect weapon, and when it was over, the carnage was near total. The glass perforated every surface not protected by brick. It cut through plastic like butter and through human flesh like something softer than butter which does not taste as good. Twenty seven people died in less than three seconds. Their bodies looked like they had been pounded with meat tenderizers.

'Holy shit!' Dean said.

And then, things got worse.

Taking Life Seriously

-8-

But earlier that morning Gordon James walked down the sporting goods aisle, stormed out of the Savemore's doors and bumped into Dennis Rogers, hard, which was unfortunate considering the fact that Rogers had just purchased a Strawberry milkshake from The Hub for 12.85 and now the remaining 10.73 in undrank shake was splashed all over his tshirt. What was even worse was that it was one of those truly horrible tshirts that are made to look like cardigans.

'What the hell do you think you're doing, Gordon?' Rogers screamed and wiped a piece of strawberry from his face. (The Hub used real fruit in their milkshakes, which is why the milkshakes were both outrageously expensive and quite delicious)

'Quitting.' said Gordon.

'What? You can't quit! it's nearly Christmas and I'm short staffed by six. And look what you've done here. Bring a bucket and clean up this mess at once!' Rogers stamped his foot on the ground when he said it.

'Blow me, Rogers.' said Gordon. 'I'm gone.'

Rogers' mouth dropped open. 'what did you just say?'

'I said blow me. This is an acceptable shorter version of 'give me a blowjob' or 'suck my dick' if you are unfamiliar with the terminology. That is to say, the only way this conversation continues is if I put my penis in your mouth and you felate it. Bye.'

Gordon started walking off but Rogers grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. 'now, listen here you little waste of space. Get a mop and clean up this mess or I'll..'

'You'll what, Rogers? Dock my pay for an extra cup of coffee? Break into my locker and leave me warning notes? Cancel my lunch breaks for a week? Tell everyone at work that I'm a satanist? You've already done all that so leave me the fuck alone.'

'I'll fire Dylan.' Rogers said.

Gordon said, 'I don't care.'

'Then I'll have him arrested.'

'You can't do that. What for?'

'Smoking drugs, stealing from the work place, it doesn't matter.'

Gordon opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. Rogers let go of his shirt.

'Now,' said Rogers, 'clean up this mess.'

'what is your problem, Rogers? Why are you such a major prick?'

'You're my problem,Gordon, you and your friends. But no matter what you do, no matter how you try to outsmart me, I'll always have one up on you. You see, I know everything that goes on in this store, everything. You guys think you're so smart, stealing coffees, slacking off, smoking joints at the loading bay. Oh yes, I went to university, I know what it smells like. I am short staffed and I need you today, so you do your job until I find you a replacement or you'll see exactly what a major prick I can be.'

Gordon nodded, he said: 'hey Rogers, what's that on your hand?'

rogers looked at his hand. It was covered in melted mars bar, the one that was stuck to the back of Gordon's shirt. 'egh, revolting,' he said. Then Gordon head butted him.

'Arghh, my nose, I think you broke my nose.'

Gordon grabbed Roger's collar, he pulled Roger's face towards him, looked directly into Rogers eyes and said: 'listen to me. We are done here. I have worked here for 12 years and I know everything about this store too. I know you take a percent off the top of every night's cash up and mark it up as insurable loss. I know the real reason that Simone girl left and that she was only 16. and I know exactly where the electrical equipment that went missing last month is. You do anything, and I mean anything, even mention the coffees again to any of them, and I will end you. Do you understand?'

'My nose...'

'Sorry about that actually, I didn't mean to hit you so hard. But anyway I can see it's not broken or anything, so, are we done here?'

'Yes.'

'Good.' Gordon let him go. 'sorry about the whole blow me thing, I'm sort of having a bad day.'

'Yes.'

Gordon put his hand out for a handshake, then he saw Roger's hands, one was holding a Hub milkshake cup, still wet, the other was covered in chocolate. He put his hand down and said:

'Well, bye then'

'Bye.' Rogers said.

Gordon walked away. Rogers watched him, and as he did, his hand closed around the cardboard cup and crushed it. A last sip of strawberry milkshake splashed out with a strange ploop noise. 'This isn't over.' he said.

And this is a maxim that everybody should know: never ever ever trust anyone that wears a shirt that looks like a cardigan.

Taking Life Seriously

-7-

Cut. Fade to black.

There are things we always remember.

Smells: The smell of fresh cut grass from that hill we used to play on when we were kids. The smell of stuffed pigeons baking in grandfather's kitchen on a Saturday afternoon after he shot and skinned them in the back yard that morning. The scent of your first dog. The way your grandmother smelled that final week in the hospital.

Touch: the way he touched you, just ran his finger on your collarbone and said, 'beautiful'. The way she hugged you and cried and she was squeezing so hard you thought your ribs would break.

Sounds: that first song you ever heard that made you feel like all the energy, all the anger, the frustration inside of you exploding, and burning and burning and burning. That thump that rabbit made when you accidentally dropped it into the shallow grave you dug after the dog killed it. The ringing in your ears that day the concussion grenade went off to your right, that day they shot and killed your friend.

Sights: when you turned that corner and saw the valley from the top of the mountain, and the lake was so black and the flowers were so yellow, and then you realized you were crying and you didn't know why. The way that whale shark came swimming by right underneath you, so close you thought you could touch it, and the sunset made it look purple.

Taste: mustard and polony, and now you can't remember that spicy meaty flavor without thinking about sex.

Disaster.

Rewind:

At 6:45AM Denise is dressed and packing a suitcase. Gordon is sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxer shorts and holding his head between his hands.

'Look don't do this,' he says, 'I get back from work, we can talk about it like two civilized human beings...'

'There's nothing to talk about anymore' she packs with her back to him, 'I can't believe you're doing this, you're fucking 32 years old and you're still acting like you're 12 and I've heard all of this before. Why don't you just go play Gandalf with your loser friends.'

He looks up, 'It's Halsolt of the Weir, and they're not losers, and it's a perfectly normal expression of appreciation of fantasy within the content of pop culture. And what the hell does any of that have to do with this?'

She holds up a yellow shirt with white flowers and waves it in his face, she shrieks: 'it has everything to do with it. You keep turning down these great jobs just so you can stay in that stupid shop with your stupid friends and that loser Dylan, and you keep living that stupid Tarantino fantasy where you and that loser Dylan are going to write that stupid zombie movie and you're completely deluded.'

'working at your father's firm is not a great job, it's a prison sentence.'

'ooohh so now being around my family is a prison sentence.'

'no, that's not what I said.'

'that's exactly what you said. And what does that make me? A warden?'

he tries to get close, to hold her, she pushes him away.

'Fuck off, Gordon. All I've ever tried to do was help you. And what have I got to show for it? A fucking boyfriend that works at a Savemore and thinks he's a wizard from middle earth.'

'I don't think I'm a wizard. and it's center continent, look, can't we at least have a cup of tea.'

'Why can't you take life seriously?' she slams the door behind her when she leaves.

7:00: the alarm goes off. It's one of those irritating novelty chicken alarms and it's driving Dylan crazy. He reaches his hand out from under the blanket and grabs the thing. then he smashes it full force into the side of the bed. The alarm stops. Then the cellphone alarm goes off. Dylan screams and hurls it into the toilet. Silence. He pulls the blanket over his head.

At 7:05 Martin is standing in the kitchen frying three eggs, over easy, like Betsy likes them.

'You want some ketchup babe?' he yells to the bedroom.

'It's ok babe, i'll get it meself.'

'Okay.'

he takes out the eggs and puts them in plates. One for Betsy, two for him. He butters two slices of toast for himself and one for Betsy. He puts ketchup on his eggs. He pours himself a cup of coffee. He sits down at the table and reads the paper while he eats. 'Unusual Weather Patterns Expected.' Well, the sky is unusually dark for November.

Betsy comes in and gives him a peck on the cheek. Her hair is wrapped up in a towel. Still looks beautiful though, he thinks. He smiles at her.

7:20 Water runs, Anita screams: 'Get out of here you big goof. We'll be late.' she's laughing.

'Come on, sweetie, we have enough time for a quick one, we're fine for time,' Dean says.

'I've got shampoo in my hair and you're wetting the whole bathroom.'

He's naked, so is she. Most of the shower water is now on the floor.

'come on sweetie, we have 5 minutes, let me in.'

'Only if you mop the bathroom floor while I get dressed.'

'My pleasure, Ma'am'.

She lets him in the shower. It takes less than 3 minutes and 24 seconds. She ends up moping the bathroom floor.

At 7:30: Rajesh examines his perfect teeth in the mirror while he flosses. His teeth are perfect. Perfect. He looks at his them like a french artist looks at his paintings the morning after a heavy drinking session, not sure exactly how any of it happened, but knowing unerringly that it is right. Rajesh looks for any flaws or unsightly stains and finds none, satisfied he turns to examine his fingernails thoroughly, then he takes out a small pocket nail file and files out what could have led to the beginning of a very nasty hairline crack indeed. Then the grooming of the goatie. It must be neat and tidy at all times so as not to appear like a common thug, or God forbid, Tom Seleck. It must be perfect. He takes out a small jar of mustache wax and combs it in. There, he smiles at his perfect self .There.

At 7:39 AM every migratory bird in the immediate area heads South inexplicably.

At 7:59 Gordon, Martin, Dean, Anita and Rajesh arrive at the Visitors shopping center Savemore (the store that saves you more). Dennis Rogers, the floor manager, opens the store doors for them and 27 other employees. Gordon punches in for Dylan.

At 8:04 Evey Hunt, the woman who owns Puppy Heaven pet store arrives at work. As soon as she opens the store's door, several animals that have managed to escape their cages claw frantically at her face in an attempt to get out and she is blinded in one eye. Seven dogs, three cats, two birds, a mongoose and two parrots escape. Let that be a lesson to all you animal exploiters out there.

At 8:27 Martin arranges soup cans in aisle 18. Gordon mops the deli floor. Anita takes stock on aisle 12. Dean offloads a truck in the packing bay. Rajesh prepares a cup of coffee in the canteen. Rogers notes that Rajesh has had one cup of coffee so far today. Dylan snores and talks in his sleep. he says: 'removing the head or destroying the brain'. The woman that owns the pet store is discovered unconscious by a shopping center security guard.

10:12 Strange pancake shaped clouds appear in the sky. They may also look omlette shaped.

11:03 Dylan walks into the Vistiros shopping center. He goes up to the cash teller and sticks the letter B before the ATM sign and the letters AN after it, then he walks into the Savemore

11:32 Dylan is dumped by his best friend. So gay.

12:01 Gordon gets a haircut.

It is now 12:49. In eleven minutes and forty two seconds something terrible is going to happen.

Taking Life Seriously

-6-

The food court was unusually quiet for that time of day. The five crouched behind the Pot-o-Noodles stall and watched Gordon eating his lunch. He was reading a newspaper. He wasn't sitting at their usual table.

So that was why. Everyone knew which was The Pack's table. It was the only six seat table next to the window in the food court and if anyone even looked as if they were going to attempt to approach it between one and one thirty in the afternoon the entire food court staff stepped in to intervene. 'I don't care who you have to beat up, just don't let Gordon get started', was the motto taught to anyone hired at the food court. This was a result of that time when that one tourist and his family sat down to eat on that fateful day in 2005 and refused to leave even after Gordon asked nicely, and even though they were only five people. The result was... messy, sticky even. Veteran food court employees remember that day as the 27 hour shift. The Pack had sat at that table every day since 2004. but now Gordon was sitting at a two seat table, next to the wall. The food court employees working talked in whispers, prayed for the shift to be over.

'He shaved!' said Rajesh.

'No he bloody didn't,' said Dylan, 'let me see.' he pushed Rajesh down and peered over his head to look. He gasped. Dylan collapsed on the floor. He said: 'I don't want to live on this planet any more.'

'come on,' said Anita, 'it's not that bad. Let's go talk to him.' she picked Dylan up and dragged him towards Gordon's table. The others followed behind them.

They arrived at the table. Gordon was reading the paper. Anita nudged Dylan and he looked at her. She was pointing at Gordon's head and gesturing. Dylan said: 'nice haircut.'

Gordon looked up and smiled 'thanks.'

'you're welcome.'

Gordon stood up. Dylan jumped backwards, 'what are you doing?'

'well, we can't all talk here, we better go to our table. Do you want anything to eat?'

Dylan sniffed in the air and said: 'I'd like one of those pancake thingies please, with cream.'

Taking Life Seriously

-5-

Evey Hunt, the woman who owns Puppy Heaven pet store arrived at work late that morning because of an argument with her husband. The argument was about Ben, her son, the pot smoking one, and her stupid husband had the gall to point out that they used to smoke when they were in university too. As if that made it ok. What a moron. As soon as she opened the store's door, several animals that have managed to escape their cages during the night jumped on her and clawed frantically at her body in an attempt to get out of the shop. One of the bigger dogs head butted her and Evey was knocked unconscious. Seven dogs, three cats, two birds, a mongoose and two parrots escaped.

Taking Life Seriously

-4-

Dean, the Great Gewain, Peabody was sitting on the Savemore loading bay steps and looking up at the sky. The sky was unusually dark for November. Anita handed him the joint.

'I mean, it's weird right? They kinda look like pancakes.' said Dean.

'Yes, they do a bit,' said Anita. 'Hey, are they still making those pancakes in the food court? Maybe we should go get some.'

'I'm serious, I have a bad feeling about this.' said Martin.

Dean passed Rajesh the joint.

'Oh come on, Martin, they're only clouds,' said Anita.

'I've never in all my life seen clouds like that.' said Martin.

'I saw something like this once,' said Rajesh.

'Rubbish.' said Martin.

'I did. In Ecuador, next to a volcano. The clouds look flat next to a big mountain. You can be standing right there and you'd never know there's a mountain there at all because the clouds cover it up.'

'Only there's no mountain for miles, is there?' said Martin.

'Look, I'm just saying it's possible for clouds to look like this. That's all.'

'They look like big omlettes, right?' said Dean. 'Fuck,I'm hungry.'

Rajesh passed Martin the joint. The four of them stared at the sky.

Dylan burst through the loading bay doors like a domestic cat that had been set on fire by a neighborhood kid. 'That unbelievable bastard!'

'Jesus Christ the savior. Do not do that again, you scared the hell out of me. I thought you were Rogers.' said Martin, who was now standing up with a clipboard in his hands.

'What did you do with the joint?' said Dean. He was standing up now and looked like he had been disturbed in the middle of unloading. Anita looked like she was taking stock and Rajesh was scrutinizing the content of an already opened box of lampshades. Of the four, Rajesh wore his Savemore uniform best. It was meticulously ironed and the name tag sparkled. Anita and Dean both looked like their uniforms had been washed in starch (a result of the uniforms not being washed at all, ever) and Martin's uniform looked like it was a size too small.

'I dropped it. I already have a citation for drinking too many coffees I really don't need another one, thank you very much.'

'Ah shit,' said Dean. 'well, where is it?'

'I don't know, I wasn't thinking straight, I thought he was Rogers.'

'Hang on, Rogers gave you a citation for drinking too many coffees?' asked Dean.

'Yes. He said three were the allowed number and anything over was theft.'

'That is unbelievable.' said Dean.

'Never mind all that now,' said Dylan, 'Gordon is quitting The Pack.'

'What?' said Anita, Dean and Rajesh together.

'He's fucking quitting. The week before the Center Continent tournament. Can you believe this?'

'He can't quit now,' said Martin, 'we don't qualify without a wizard.'

'Is it because Morpheus kicked him in the balls?' said Rajesh.

Dylan looked at Rajesh and raised one eyebrow. Then he said, 'No, it's that bitch Denise. She told him we're holding him back. Martin, why is your ponytail smoking?'

Martin beat at his hair until the joint fell out. It fell on the ground. He picked it up and took a hit. He offered it to Dylan. Dylan took the roach, crumpled it up and threw it up onto the loading bay roof.

'Concentrate!' he said.

'I will talk to him,' said Rajesh. 'he is obviously confused.'

'No I tried that already,' said Dylan.'I think we'll have to resort to something drastic.'

'Like what?' asked Anita.

'I don't know. Sabotage his coffee breaks? send him nasty notes? What?' said Dylan.

'Well, maybe we kidnap Denise and hold her ransom until the tournament.' said Rajesh.

Everyone turned to look at him. Dean was shaking his head.

After a moment's silence Rajesh said 'Too much?'

'Much too much.' Martin said.

'Seriously, what are we going to do? We can't do the tournament without him, he's our leader.' said Anita.

'I could be the leader,' said Dean.

Anita took Dean's hand and patted it. 'Sure you can, baby.'

Dylan sat down on the loading bay steps and put his face in his hands. 'I can't believe what a bastard he's being. I just can't believe it.'

'Dylan are you crying?' asked Anita. She kneeled down beside him.

Dylan looked up with tears in his eyes and said, 'no, it's just these allergies'

'So Gay.' said Rajesh.

'Shut up Rajesh!' said Anita, 'we'll work it out Dylan.'

'So mean...' said Dylan.

'Well, if I watch anymore of this I'm going to be sick,' said Rajesh.

'Yes, pull yourself together, man.' said Martin. 'Lets go talk some sense into him.'

'You guys go, I just want to be alone for a bit.' said Dylan. He wiped a tear from his eye. Then he said, 'woe guys, have you seen these clouds?'

Taking Life Seriously

-3-

Dylan's face popped up over the young adult books section. It said: 'how's the balls?' the face was eating a Mars bar that Dylan had dipped in his coffee for what he liked to call 'that extra caffeinee flavor'.

Dylan was wearing a white button up shirt with a stripped green and white tie. He had a name tag that said: 'Hi, my name is _Inigo Montoya_'

Gordon was wearing the same Savemore uniform, but his name tag said Hi, My name is _Gordon_'. Gordon was packing a bookshelf with the new installment of the Twilight series. 'Can you believe people read this shit?' he said without stopping.

'I can't believe Morpheus kneed you like that after you killed him. And that was a classic move too. Two handed slam, you lobed his head right off. Classic.'

'I mean it's about a vegetarian vampire, terrible.'

Dylan walked over to Gordon and sat down in one of the small plastic chairs meant for children readers. 'Hmmm, so what's wrong?' he asked.

'you're three hours late for work.'

'I accidentally smashed my alarm clock into the side of the bed while throwing my cell phone into the toilet.'

'And Denise left me.'

Dylan put his cup of coffee on the reading table, dipped his Mars bar into his coffee and said: 'Hmmm, so what's wrong?'

'Damn it, man, can you for maybe two seconds pretend to be something that sort of resembles a thing that is at least human-like and show me some compassion?'

'you're right, those Twilight books are total crap, absolutely.' Dylan said with a mouth half full of chocolate.

Gordon squeezed into the other tiny plastic chair.

'how the hell do you fit your ass into these things? they're tiny.'

'it's all thanks to a steady diet of coffee, Mars bars, and insane amounts of beer.'

'I come home after the game last night and she wanted to have sex, except I couldn't because of Morphues kicking me in the nethers. So she got angry. She said I'm a deluded idiot who is wasting his life LARPing.'

'So tell her it's a perfectly normal expression of appreciation of fantasy within the content of pop culture.'

'I did. She said I wasn't taking life seriously.'

'that bitch.'

'she called me a Gandalf wannabe.'

'Oh no, she didn't!'

'she said I keep turning down great jobs just so I can stay in stupid Savemore with my stupid friends and I keep living that stupid Tarantino fantasy where me and you are going to make that stupid zombie film and I'm completely stupid.'

'that bitch.'

'I loved her man, I thought she was the one.'

'forget her, she was holding you back.'

'Amazing, that's what she said about you.'

'that bitch!'

'stop saying that. We're never going to make that film are we?'

'what are you talking about man? I have it all figured out, I dreamed the whole thing last night. Listen to this: our hero is your average under achiever right? He has a shitty job, a terrible room mate, a best friend who is kind of a screw up, a weird relationship with his step father, and a girlfriend who is always upset at him for living the same routine day in day out.'

'Right, what then?'

'then she breaks up with him. Also because she has these two idiot friends influencing her all the time, And he gets horribly drunk with his best friend, fights with his room mate, and decides to sort out his life for good and get her back.'

'Ok, I'm seeing it. what's next.'

'well, during this whole time, a series of unusual events happen randomly in the background. People get sick, they faint in the middle of the street. Our hero even thinks he sees one man eating a live pigeon in the park.'

'Dylan.'

'so in the morning, without even noticing, get this, the zombie apocalypse happens.'

'Dylan'

'our hero discovers this by accident. He discovers a girl in his yard that he thinks is totally drunk and him and his friend end up trying to kill her with LP's.'

'Dylan!'

'What?'

'That's Shaun of the Dead!'

'What?'

'Did you get drunk last night?'

'Maybe a bit tipsy.'

'and did you watch tv?'

'I might have, I can't remember exactly.'

'I don't believe you.' Gordon stood up and walked away.

Dylan jumped up with the tiny chair still stuck to his backside, 'wait where are you going? Wait!' he pushed the chair off his ass and started to run after Gordon. He caught up with Gordon halfway down the dry goods aisle and said: 'I hope you're not about to do something rash.'

'I'm about to call the woman I love, tell her I'll take the job at her father's office even though I know it will mean an existence of constant and unbearable humiliation, then I'm going to tell the guys I quit The Pack and then I'm going to go get horribly drunk.'

'why are you doing this, man?'

Gordon stopped walking and turned to Dylan. 'Because we're 32 years old, Dylan.'

'Well, what the hell has that got to do with anything?'

'It has everything to do with everything. Because I am not really Halsolt of the Weir and you are not really Augustus Minion and what we are are two sad losers who work at a Savemore and dream about making a movie and it's almost as pathetic as the idea of a vegetarian vampire.'

Dylan grabbed Gordon's shoulders, hard and started to shake him. 'Snap out of it, man. That woman has bewitched you, this is crazy talk.'

'Stop that, stop it!' Gordon flung Dylan off him. 'this was fun in university, but we're too old for this shit now!'

Dylan looked as if he had been sucker punched. 'No, you can't mean that. This whole thing, everything, was your idea. Everything. I dropped out of school and we already wrote six screenplays and it's just a matter of time till we sell one. And too old? martin is 45 now, and Rajesh, and Anita and Dean, they all look up to you. You can't mean any of this. You can't.'

'I'm sorry,' said Gordon, and walked away.

'you selfish bastard!' screamed Dylan.

Gordon turned around, gave Dylan the finger and kept walking away.

Dylan stood at the dry goods section, half a Mars bar still clutched in one hand and melting onto the neon white floor. He threw the Mars bar across the room. It stuck to the back of Gordon's shirt, but Gordon either didn't notice or didn't care. He turned the corner and disappeared into the sporting goods section.

Because he could think of nothing else to do, Dylan kicked the shelf nearest to him. He screamed in pain as he smashed his big toe into a tin of baked beans. He grabbed his foot and started skipping in place. It was then that he noticed the mother hugging her terrified child to her lap. The boy was crying.

Dylan said: 'thank you for shopping at Savemore.'